Another Gift from Beyond….

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I went to dialysis in the morning with my daughter. It was a fairly smooth treatment for her. She did not get sick at all or feel bad and she was giggling listening to videos with her headphones on for most of her treatment. I sat chatting with the older kids and the nurses and took care of a few phone calls I needed to make. My Dad had told me the other night on the phone that he needed to talk to me but it was not a conversation for the phone. I thought one of three things,see my Dad will be 80 this year. My Mother Passed away 15 years ago next month. The three things I thought was Oh My I hope he doesn’t tell me anything worse with his health, Possibly he wants to take my son shopping for school cloths.(this was a tradition of my Mom’s and Dad took over when she passed, All the Grand’s get new school cloths from her) or I was in trouble for spending something I was not supposed to and he knows about it. See I am not working due to several things, one my husband passed last August and he was the one who took our daughter to her treatments and appointments and I worked full time, Two I just had knee surgery two weeks ago and prior to that I could not walk for the last 7 months and three I can’t find anyone who is willing to hire me and work around my schedule and need to sit down at work. So that being said we are living on a budget that is smaller than our lives. For a while I had some money that was left to my from my Uncle and that was helping and then my Dad helps with everything else. It is a crappy situation for me and him. I wish I could figure a way out of it and I am hoping this surgery heals soon enough to help at least the standing part of the situation.

Well I was wrong all around. None of the three things I thought came to play at all. My Dad come over, It was a really bad thunderstorm and we sat and chatted while my kids acted like kids(they are way too old, 22,15,11) but they were having fun and really getting on Grandpa’s nerves. He can’t tolerate their immature conversations and the noise is also bothers him. Well after the big one went off with her boyfriend and the TV lost our interest we decided to go out to Lunch. Funny the kids were being annoying but he said on the phone OK we will get lunch, now it was 4 in the afternoon and they were starving and he was saying well guys, your big kids you can go in the kitchen and find something to eat. Well eventually he remembered and just He and I and the little one went out. It was a great lunch/dinner but the place was freezing cold. None the less when we pulled up back home I said Daddy are you coming in?(see he never told me why he wanted to see me in person) He reached into his pocket and said you know this is kind of late. See your Mother wanted you to have this, A beautiful gold bracelet, it is heavy gold and probably has some value. He had two of them they were slightly different. He said one was your mothers, and one your grandmothers, I no longer remember who’s was who’s but she wanted you to have it and she wanted your sister to have the other. I am guessing my other sister probably got something too but since she lives with him now he probably gave to her a long time ago. My Dad worries with my financial situation I will feel desperate to buy my kids something and pawn it. He knows me and knows that anything materialistic nice but I really don’t care about it one way or another. But what he does not know is I cherish every little thing they give me. I still keep an old broken ashtray from a incents thing he brought back from a trip years ago, I still have my Mom’s locket she gave me years ago, I still have all my kids first’s so many things and I am quite sentimental about these things. I have old curtains I will never hang nor will I ever get rid of just cause my Mom gave me them after she died. My sister makes fun of me how I word it but when she passed over the next three years my Dad slowly gave me little items that she picked up along the way, he would always say oh your Mother bought this a long time ago and here so I would tell my sister’s ha ha Mommy gave me another present. So not only did I get this awesome bracelet that will look very nice when I do ever get job interviews or have opportunity to go somewhere nice, I have another piece of my Mom or Grandma. Then the bigger top it off is My Uncle. My Uncle never had kids. He was my Dad’s younger brother and growing up he was the favorite relative. He was funny and always told jokes, he was cool if he caught you doing something bad he would yell at you and make a deal I wont tell your parents if this is the last time. He caught me with my first beer, first cigarette, and first joint. He never got mad just a little yell and lecture only one time I yelled at my mother and I had to hear it for a long time. Well this Uncle not only was a really cool guy he was very generous. He would rather give you his stuff if getting new, this has come from stereo hand me downs to cars to any thing you can imagine. Currently,half of my home is furnished in things he either gave me or left to me when he passed. He always split it between me and my sisters but they swore I got the better end because I was the youngest. Who know’s when he passed it was the worst. When my mother passed my uncle filled that void for my Dad, he was not in the best of health and gave my Dad lot’s of opportunity to hang out and go places together. He always loved having all of us over to swim and have bbqs he could no longer get out of his wheel chair the last few years but he was fun to play dominoes with and have a few drinks or just hang out and shoot the shit. He was a cool old guy. My whole family adored him. Well back to the story. My Uncle was fighting a law suit. I have no idea what it was for. When he got sicker and sicker and transferred everything to my Dad and had and attorney deal with all his stuff. My uncle was Smart and he made some investments which he left to my Dad and my Sisters and me. Well My Dad told me the lawsuit was lost a long time ago. I forgot all about it. Well it went back to court for and it was won There is some big settlement coming. My Dad said he did not want to hurt my feelings when my sisters get their cut and I don’t get mine. He said that he is going to keep it like a bank account and he will pay my bills and I can actually try to live off the little money I am getting. It sounds like he is treating me like a baby but he is not. My kids are used to me bringing home 800 bucks a week and money not really being an issue.Now we live on 700 bucks a month and its very hard on me as I am feeling like crap about having no money ever. So now I can worry less. When I want to buy a new mop or get my kids hair cut its not going to be begging my Dad, I will just tell him at the beginning of the month which bills and the amounts and if I need more I will tell him. This should keep me going while I figure out my other knee and heal and find work again. I wont be doing good and I wont be out shopping and spending money and having fun but I will be taken care of and that is beyond amazing. So yeah , I have a really cool Mom she might be dead and all but she is very much still giving me gifts, I will cherish that bracelet forever. I have a really cool Uncle too. I can close my eyes and picture my life with out everything he has taught me and given me and my life would be crap with out it. So yup even though my Uncle might be dead too he continues to give me gifts from the beyond also….

So with all the bullshit I have been dealt in life, I also have been dealt some really cool, amazing and generous people in my life and their words, thoughts and actions have molded me into me. For that I am extremely thankful.

Good and Bad memories all rolled into one. Whoa Roller Coaster!

Yesterday was a really really rainy day. Once we woke up in the morning it was pouring and it continued to do that through out the day. So My kids of course got up and did the Mom we are bored thing. I told them go play the Wii. Even though it is old and you got bored with the games it has been a long time so it will be fun again. They decided to take my advice. I realized that we actually never unpacked them when we moved last November. While looking for the game I came across two stacks of old cd’s and dvds. I can’t believe how many photo’s that I was sure were lost forever resurfaced. I sat for hours loading them on my computer. I spend so many hours laughing and crying and calling my kids back to my room to say look, look , Do you remember this or that. I found pictures of so many things. This was a great feeling, however old pictures bring up old memories.

It is coming on one year since my husband passed away. The year before he died it was really really hard. He had brain cancer and that disease not only destroys your body but it destroys your mind as well. I would not be surprised if me and my child truly have post traumatic stress disorder from it. His personality changed by the day and sometimes by the minute. I believe the year turning up to him being diagnosed was also rough. He would be really fun or really miserable. When his treatments started he was so humble. Probably the nicest we had seen him in two years for sure. Then came the steroids. No one warns you of the disaster this causes. He truly was violent and me and the kids were so scared all the time. Then in little two minute doses he would shine through and it was Dad. So we tried our best to understand it was out of his control. After a few times of him breaking all the walls in the house and half of everything in it he started on us. Mostly me but sometimes the kids too. He was actually abusive and strong. Thank god I recognized it was steroid psychosis and I brought him to the hospital. He was really manipulative. He would convince them that he just wasn’t feeling good and they would believe that he was not insane. I went to the bathroom(while he was in the ER) I was kind of just standing in the hallway in shock and some young resident Doctor said hey lady you are not OK Whats up. So I told him. I said watch him from a distance while I go in there see how he treats me and then watch how it turns the tables when you come in. He did . During this time he threw his wedding band down the hallway, He threw a bag of open cheese doodles all over the place, He called me all kind of curse names, he started talking about Angels and Devils and why did I stop being the voice of his Angel and get out of the body of his Angel(which was me somehow). Now someone other than me and my kids saw his craziness. He was admitted for the brain cancer but in a seizure room so they could really watch his mental status. They saw he was nuts and was playing the game with everyone. They saw how much we loved him and just took his abuse and tried to be nice and help him anyway. Eventually he was weaned down to the right amount of medicine and slowly but surely he returned to us. This took about 6-8 weeks this whole process of him being insane to him being somewhat him self again. He barely remembered any of it so we learned to laugh it off but really could anyone just laugh off being choked? watching your kids get screamed at. One time he starting flipping out on my son in McDonald’s he made him get on his knees and start saying Our Fathers(our kids are raised Jewish and have no clue what an,Our Father is other than maybe from TV) It was wow no words could describe what we went through.

Then after he passed a whole year almost and the shock of it all is still there. We have all learned to try to let it be gone and remember the good times. Sadly those bad times are there and they hurt. Most people don’t know about them. They see the major love we had, we had for him, he had for us. That was all true. I have never met someone in my life,like him. He was amazing at best and so much fun. He was intense and he grew up really rough. He had a rough ride with addiction and dysfunctional family. I was his rock and he was mine. So although yes part of our lives were tarnished by this disease the only thing I could do is share it with someone else. Maybe they know someone acting this way and they are on those medications for a real reason but too much is too much and they think well the Dr. said its the right amount. No don’t let it become Psychosis. Because I shared the signs and you know to get help sooner. I hope anyway.

So yeah my title is about memories because seeing all those pictures yesterday made me realize, I have had quite an adventure in life and I am only about to be 44. I am still young. I have endured a wonderful childhood. Really good parents. Half way decent sisters and three great(ish) kids. I have endured divorce( not very pretty either) and I have endured love, I have endured health crisis between my daughter and her dialysis and her other health conditions to my husbands brain cancer to my own health issues. I am still here. I am still laughing and joking with my kids. I am still fighting through this crazy mixed up world and I am happy to be doing it all. I am sad I no longer have my partner. He was really a daily adventure. Life is crazy like that. We do not get to decided who will stay in our lives and for how long. So yeah. Hold on to your pictures. Save those old Cd’s and save them on your computer or get them printed. Because life may in fact be a Roller Coaster rider but, don’t people ride them for fun, excitement, exhilaration. so ride away life and enjoy. Take the good with the bad, the sad with the happy and live and let live…..

Perspective means everything

Some days are easier than others. Sometimes you wake up for the day and an amazing good mood and nothing can draw you from that. Other days are like a nightmare from the first moment you wake. Of course there are the mixed up days that can be good and bad combinations. Today was one of those for me and its only 4:30 in the afternoon.

I know that I would really like to just moan and groan in this post and complain about the day I have had but I won’t. However I will tell you its been rough,

As I was driving to the store with my 15 year old son complaining about the world, and mostly complaining about my oldest daughter who is the light of my life and the extra prickly thrones to my roses. She is my combo life we go from very happy to very much want to punch each other out. She is 22 years old and knows very well how to push my buttons and knows exactly how to get me to cave to her every whim. This is not good for either of us.

While I was talking with my son, we got were we where going. The reason he rode with me this time was so he could wait in the car so I did not have to turn it off. My battery in my car died and when I got it jumped the guy told me that my battery should be fine just needs to recharge so leave the car running for 40-70 minutes either driving or running and it should be fine. I really did not like this idea but figured he knew more than me. So when I left him I am sure he was glad I went into the store. He does not like stress. Anything that stresses him out makes him very stressed so I usually don’t use him to let out my emotions. Today, sadly I was not able to control it. So while I was in the store I started thinking about my day and a tear rolled out of my eyes. Then it dawned on me. This is all a matter of perspective. I could look at it as a very annoying day. I could look at it as my daughter always taking advantage and causing me more hassle than needed. I could look at it as a pity party wow what else could go wrong or I could look at it as well hey if I did not have three kids I would not have grief of three kids. I believe their good is better than their bad. I could look at it as well my car broke down but it only broke down because I do own a car. I could be really upset that my knee is killing me and I did not have a cane or I could be thankful that my surgery is over and the pain I am feeling is part of the healing process and had I not done that I would have never been able to forget my cane.

So the funniest thing is that I went out to apply for a job, that will require me to stand,(with bad knees) will pay me minimum wage and I will probably struggle to work that job, so why do I apply well because I am determined to get better, determined to figure out a way to pay my own way, and determined to not let all the things that I swear stress me out not stress me out.

I recently went through a lot of life changing events. I am sure I will share bits and pieces along the way. Life is a roller coaster sometimes you are at the top of the hill coming down sometimes you are heading up and for a very short time once in a while you actually sit at the top and then again you also sit at the bottom. I may have been at my going down and bottom the last few years but a lot of positive self worth has come from it. I did not fall off the wagon and start drinking, I did not allow myself to get hooked on pain pills even though I do need them and my doctors agree I do need them. They give me 90 for 30 days I have 60 for 120 days. I take them sparingly knowing I am a mother, a single(widowed) mother and I need to show my children that no matter what, no matter how hard it seems, even when everything is against you, some how some way you need to find you way through it. Even if some days you yell and scream, and some days are rough you find a way to get through and hope that the next day is better or at least more tolerable.

It would be nice if I were able to find a way to put aside the bad days for a while and head into better days. It seems that is a dream and not reality but if you know me, you will know that aside from me moaning and groaning sometimes I really do try to think about perspective and remind myself that hey I struggle paying my bills( I have bills which means I have things so my kids are not with out) I struggle walking(I am still walking and not in a wheelchair) I have bad days (I am still alive)

So with that said I will say it one more time Perspective means everything.

Today I will look past the bad part of the day and look forward to a better evening and if for some reason life does not want me to have a better evening then hey there is always tomorrow.

Hello world!

My name is Lisa. I have had a few unsuccessful blogs in the past. I have not put forth the effort due to personal issues I was going through the past couple of years. I have so much I would love to share with the world. I have decided that it time for me to freshen up my writing skills and start sharing again.

A little about me.

I am just about to be 44 years old. I have three children. My oldest is 21, my only son is 15 and my youngest is 11.

I am recently widowed if you call almost a year recent.

I had a hard to time adjusting when my husband became ill and I had to become his full time caregiver. We were kind of young but Brain Cancer likes middle aged men. Especially the kind he had.

My youngest daughter is special needs. She has a condition called VATER Syndrome. It’s really just and acronym stating your kid has a bunch of birth defects and we don’t have an exact name for it. She has had so many surgeries and has overcome some of her health issues so far. Other issues will be life long and others will change over time. She has been on dialysis for just over 7 years and wow, as a family we have all learned so much medically, and so much emotionally. When life gives you difficult circumstances you either fall apart or get stronger. As a family we got stronger.

When Dad got sick some of that family sticking together stuff faded a bit. My oldest was so close with him. See he was my husband and a stepdad to my oldest two. He got them when they were 8 and 3 and he was their Dad. Their Bio Dad exists and we speak with some of his family, but he is not active in their lives. This was his choices not mine or theirs. Now they hold some resentment towards him but I always teach them that hey, If bio Dad was still around the Dad would not have gotten such and big part of their lives and they blended like a family almost immediately. We were together almost 13 years when he passed.

Life has brought me lots of ups and downs. It has shown me love, loss, support, lack of support and all kinds of other interesting things. I do have my days where I am a bit on the down side and I do try to fight that as much as possible. With life being what it is I just try to stay positive and I was blessed with a sense of humor. I do my best to laugh off tough situations and I try to share humorous stories with others. Sometimes it makes you feel better knowing you are not alone in the crazy world we live in.

I do my best to stay away from topics like Politics, Religion and other sensitive subjects, but from time to time I will express my emotions.

I don’t have a great relationship with my late husbands family. They were very nice to me over the years and once he got sick they all started turning on us, While he was alive to semi see it and after he was gone. My children have suffered a bit through all this but like I said earlier we try to laugh it off and move on.

I am fortunate that my Dad is still with us. He is almost 80 and Mom has been gone 15 years now. I have two sisters, One  who gave me a nephew and now a grand niece. Both sisters live in the same city as me and we visit alot. I spend as much time with my Dad as I can.

Employment has been an issue for a while now. I was never unemployed from 13 years old until the end of 2009 when I got laid off from a job I held for 14 years. I was kind of broken when I lost my job. It took me a while to get serious about work. I never was home. My first time ever actually being home with my kids instead of always working and I guess I kind of liked it. By the time I got back to work the only thing available was part time, retail. I was able to do this for three years and this past January I had to quit. I have issues with my Knees and I could not longer make it though even short shifts standing all day. I had surgery on one knee last year, and one last week. Eventually I will need knee replacement and I am not really looking forward to that.

I love to share funny stories, cool memories, recipes, different medical issues we have learned about, stories about my kids and pets, tv shows and series I watch and other events I find cool. I hope I get to enjoy reading other peoples stories as I hope other people enjoy mine.