Good and Bad memories all rolled into one. Whoa Roller Coaster!

Yesterday was a really really rainy day. Once we woke up in the morning it was pouring and it continued to do that through out the day. So My kids of course got up and did the Mom we are bored thing. I told them go play the Wii. Even though it is old and you got bored with the games it has been a long time so it will be fun again. They decided to take my advice. I realized that we actually never unpacked them when we moved last November. While looking for the game I came across two stacks of old cd’s and dvds. I can’t believe how many photo’s that I was sure were lost forever resurfaced. I sat for hours loading them on my computer. I spend so many hours laughing and crying and calling my kids back to my room to say look, look , Do you remember this or that. I found pictures of so many things. This was a great feeling, however old pictures bring up old memories.

It is coming on one year since my husband passed away. The year before he died it was really really hard. He had brain cancer and that disease not only destroys your body but it destroys your mind as well. I would not be surprised if me and my child truly have post traumatic stress disorder from it. His personality changed by the day and sometimes by the minute. I believe the year turning up to him being diagnosed was also rough. He would be really fun or really miserable. When his treatments started he was so humble. Probably the nicest we had seen him in two years for sure. Then came the steroids. No one warns you of the disaster this causes. He truly was violent and me and the kids were so scared all the time. Then in little two minute doses he would shine through and it was Dad. So we tried our best to understand it was out of his control. After a few times of him breaking all the walls in the house and half of everything in it he started on us. Mostly me but sometimes the kids too. He was actually abusive and strong. Thank god I recognized it was steroid psychosis and I brought him to the hospital. He was really manipulative. He would convince them that he just wasn’t feeling good and they would believe that he was not insane. I went to the bathroom(while he was in the ER) I was kind of just standing in the hallway in shock and some young resident Doctor said hey lady you are not OK Whats up. So I told him. I said watch him from a distance while I go in there see how he treats me and then watch how it turns the tables when you come in. He did . During this time he threw his wedding band down the hallway, He threw a bag of open cheese doodles all over the place, He called me all kind of curse names, he started talking about Angels and Devils and why did I stop being the voice of his Angel and get out of the body of his Angel(which was me somehow). Now someone other than me and my kids saw his craziness. He was admitted for the brain cancer but in a seizure room so they could really watch his mental status. They saw he was nuts and was playing the game with everyone. They saw how much we loved him and just took his abuse and tried to be nice and help him anyway. Eventually he was weaned down to the right amount of medicine and slowly but surely he returned to us. This took about 6-8 weeks this whole process of him being insane to him being somewhat him self again. He barely remembered any of it so we learned to laugh it off but really could anyone just laugh off being choked? watching your kids get screamed at. One time he starting flipping out on my son in McDonald’s he made him get on his knees and start saying Our Fathers(our kids are raised Jewish and have no clue what an,Our Father is other than maybe from TV) It was wow no words could describe what we went through.

Then after he passed a whole year almost and the shock of it all is still there. We have all learned to try to let it be gone and remember the good times. Sadly those bad times are there and they hurt. Most people don’t know about them. They see the major love we had, we had for him, he had for us. That was all true. I have never met someone in my life,like him. He was amazing at best and so much fun. He was intense and he grew up really rough. He had a rough ride with addiction and dysfunctional family. I was his rock and he was mine. So although yes part of our lives were tarnished by this disease the only thing I could do is share it with someone else. Maybe they know someone acting this way and they are on those medications for a real reason but too much is too much and they think well the Dr. said its the right amount. No don’t let it become Psychosis. Because I shared the signs and you know to get help sooner. I hope anyway.

So yeah my title is about memories because seeing all those pictures yesterday made me realize, I have had quite an adventure in life and I am only about to be 44. I am still young. I have endured a wonderful childhood. Really good parents. Half way decent sisters and three great(ish) kids. I have endured divorce( not very pretty either) and I have endured love, I have endured health crisis between my daughter and her dialysis and her other health conditions to my husbands brain cancer to my own health issues. I am still here. I am still laughing and joking with my kids. I am still fighting through this crazy mixed up world and I am happy to be doing it all. I am sad I no longer have my partner. He was really a daily adventure. Life is crazy like that. We do not get to decided who will stay in our lives and for how long. So yeah. Hold on to your pictures. Save those old Cd’s and save them on your computer or get them printed. Because life may in fact be a Roller Coaster rider but, don’t people ride them for fun, excitement, exhilaration. so ride away life and enjoy. Take the good with the bad, the sad with the happy and live and let live…..

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