https://youtu.be/s1c3MARlJ0Q This is a link to the song referenced in the Title.
I don’t know if you have seen Rent? I only saw it about 2 years ago for the first time, but I have seen it many times since. I first saw it live in a high school performance. I was blown away that such an emotional show was put on by such a young age group of performers.
The reason I had this song on my mind is right now when I started this post it was literally 525615 minutes from when my husband passed away. He slipped into a coma about 4-5 days before he passed. He was in hospice(in an actual hospice house) for about 9 days total.
I can’t even express the emotions that I have felt over these last minutes, days, months. It has been one year. I never thought I would make it one minute and here I am alive. I am handling it, each day brings different emotions. Someday’s I miss him almost desperately, other days I enjoy the fact that I had the opportunity to love and be loved. I don’t really know how else I am supposed to feel. I did not know if I would ever take off my wedding band? would I switch hands? What would I do with that unknown emotion and process? Well over that year I figured it out about two weeks ago. I had to change my medications and I am retaining some fluids. My fingers are swollen and although my diamond fits just fine my band is too snug to be comfortable and I had to take it off. At least that unknown was answered for me.
Over the course of this year. I have lost my husband. My kids lost their Dad. I took a chance I quit my really crappy job for a chance at a better job. I worked just a few short months and I got axed because they did not want to invest the time in expanding the position. It was a starter position. They give me 100 phone numbers to call. They expected me to continue to call these same numbers for almost 9 weeks. I was through the 100 numbers ever 2-3 shifts. I was set up to fail and I did fail. First time in my life something like that ever happened. I have always been successful where ever I have worked. Most people either know me from School or know my from somewhere I worked. I believe most would attest I am a hard worker. I have experienced true financial hardship during this time. I have taken my daughter to dialysis 156 times this year. We have gone to more appointments than I can count. I have disassociated myself from all of my husbands family except 1 brother and his family and his half-sister whom I only got to meet one time. We keep in touch via the internet and I am glad that we have gotten to know each other a little at least. I have pretty much had to learn how to be single again. It is not like a single, like a break up and you want to move on, date other people, make changes. Being widowed is more like you are being forced to deal with all these changes that you really did not plan for nor want. That is a lot of things that were not that great this past year. I found out I need a knee replacement in one leg, Had knee surgery on the other leg, and found out that will need replaced as well.
Now for some of the better things that happened over these 525600 minutes:
My son completed 8 and 9th grade on the computer doing virtual school. He also learned how to take care of the yard, fix things around the house, help with the laundry and basically take over some of the things that Dad would do. Like making sure his little sister is not doing anything she is not supposed to. He takes care of the dog and the bearded dragon and he is showing signs that he will have many success’ in his life.
My oldest daughter moved out and moved back in and is getting ready to move out again. She has gone from taking her Dad’s death very hard to working , working on relationships and moving forward with her life. She has learned to move past some things that were holding her back and she is showing some signs of true adulthood. I look forward to seeing where life will take her.
My youngest has brought her reading up 3 grade levels. She has gone from refusing to discuss school and reading to, hey Grandpa can you buy me this book I am interested in. She has attended 156 life saving dialysis treatments. She has finally met the medical goals she has been working towards to be re-listed on the kidney transplant list.
Our dog has gone from a little puppy to a big 70 pound bundle of playfulness. He has learned so many things. Tricks are not one of them. Sitting is though and we are proud of our boy. He sit’s like a scholar, just ask his loving siblings if that is how he would refer to them?
I could go on and on with all the things that have happened. So many details,
I saw my family experience true grief. I sit here now with tears on and off. I miss my husband. I miss his touch, his smile, his need to debate, his smell, there are so many things to miss. I know my kids have a hard time. We all have pretty good sense of humors and we take advantage of that. We need to. Life has dealt us some pretty difficult situations and we continue to adjust. As humans this is what we do, adjust, adapt, call it what you will but that is what we do.
In Rent, Angel went from this fun-loving, lively, energetic character to the end of his life. All of the characters have hurdles to jump and emotions and problems to work on. A year sure changes a lot in their lives and a lot in mine.
I do, so enjoy seeing Rent. The characters had me at the opening act. I couldn’t pick a favorite part but I have been known to randomly sing out, Jump Over the Moon. So that might be an indicator of a favorite scene.
I am hoping that anyone who read’s this will look at their 525600 minutes and see what happened with theirs. I know for my self just writing this opened my eyes, see I started this while tears were streaming down, all I could think of was wow last year exactly now I was dealing with losing him. It is one of the worst things that can happen. Lose someone you love to a horrible disease. There was not one thing we could do to change it either. I also realized that my little unit is pretty strong. My kids whether the storms. They have learned to buckle down and I am nothing short of proud of them. I also learned that among all the bad things we had to go through we went through some good ones too.