Again, I have to accept the fact the cancer has reared it’s ugly head to someone else I love dearly. This person is probably the person I love the most in the entire world, My Dad. I have so much love for my other family members, but my Dad has always been the one to I wanted to hang out with.
When I was a child I was the youngest. I was the one that was different. I lived among a family who believed very much that love is something you don’t need to talk about. Showy love is for some but not everyone. I was told by my Mom, Lisa do you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, food in your house, is it cold in here? Is there any time you have gone with out by necessity? I would of course say no. She would then tell me that is love. Why in the world we would work hard to make sure you are all ok, do things we think will teach you about life, culture and a little of everything in between. That is love. Love is not something you can describe in a word. Love is a action. It is something that you do always when you really love. So I did know and understand but I still wanted to be told and I still wanted to be the huggy kissy one, as my sisters would say. I would kiss the relatives and hug them when they would come and go. Typically they probably thought I was annoying. I guess I was.
My Uncle , he never cared though he would say get off me you little monkey and pat me on the head. When I got older I realized that I was the one who liked to do these things. They did not so what. Why should I stop being me because someone else is them. I never did and still do not. Now that I am older I realize that love for family is not something that you have to do. It is something that should simply come naturally. If it does not come naturally then it should not be. I have relatives that I don’t really think give a crap about any of my family, only their extensions of it. That is ok. I used to be offended now I could care less. I wish them the best and I am sure that if we found ourselves together we would enjoy one another’s company. Life just gets in the way, likely it is not personal.
I mention my family ties and a little about me for a couple of reasons. One I am easily distracted. I can go from one topic to another, well almost accidentally. Other reasons are ,I want it to be known that I feel, and always felt that I have a small family. My Mother’s side was small to me. Many of my Aunt’s passed a away before I ever got to know them. Cancer. These ladies were my mother’s cousins but they grew up in the same household so they were sister’s, sort of. The older relatives, grandparents and their siblings passed over the years. I will admit I am fortunate in saying three of my four grandparents lived to pretty old ages. By standard at least. Grandparents on Dad’s side- Cancer. Not really sure was my grandfather on my Mom’s side. He passed before me and my sisters were born and I am not really sure from what. He was sick and for a long time and he likely had -Cancer but I really don’t know. My Mom always said he was really sick. I don’t know. The only grandparent who did not die of cancer was my Mom’s Mom. She lived to the ripe old age of 93. She did have Alzheimer’s and she did suffer a few strokes and the effects of that, but she was not a cancer victim. My Dad is like the main important person in our family. For me, for my sisters, for our kids. My husband also another victim of cancer used to say, I met you Lisa so your Dad could be my Dad. He is the greatest guy ever. He would say I make my self a better person because I see how much a better person gets loved by his family. He thought he was great, because he is and that is the other reasons I wanted to mention a little of our back story.
My Mom passed 15 years ago, she had heart disease. It could easily be argued that her smoking habit caused this heart disease. I believe she would agree to that statement. I know she was being checked on for cancer but the heart disease became the precedence.
I have seen cancer and the outcomes of it many many times. Seems to me this damn disease has no boundaries. I have seen skin cancer on at least 5 people I know. My Dad included, my sister included. My husbands sister and a few other people I have known. I have seen stomach and lung cancer, I have seen brain cancer I have seen lung cancer spread to brain cancer and breast cancer and well I could just go on and on. Now my own father, my top dog, my superhero dad who always knows the answer and always as a joke to go with your issues, now has this threat hanging over his head. I will add my Dad is approaching 80. He is about to get a pacemaker but his actual heart muscle’s are quite strong, says a very trusted cardiology group so I will believe that the pacemaker, will help him to feel better. But prostate cancer. Docs are saying in beginning and very very good chance as long as it has not spread. Now the days will feel very long until he has those tests and awaits those answers.
It has been only one years since my husband’ s passing, but it has been going on my entire life. I am always grieving the loss of someone. Just recently it has been the loss of the ones I have been closer too. It seems that my little family only gets littler. I wish there was a way for me to be the hero. I could find a way to save my Dad from any ill affects of this disease. I truly believed my husband, could fight brain cancer. I believed he was this guy who could fight his way out of anything, and win. He could win an argument that he is wrong, He can win a fight with a guy, who is bigger and stronger and well he is just Ray. Glioblastoma, a stage 4 brain cancer is a monster of all monsters. It has tentacle like appendages that grow into the brain, not out like a typical tumor. This disease was found far to late. From every bit of research I did I could not find a way to save him of this horrible disease. If there was a way me and my oldest daughter would have found it . We believed in knowledge is power and we tried. We are naive, obviously but truth is we just loved him. Now I find myself reading everything I can about a disease I know very little about. During all my research it was specific to the disease he had or my daughters medical conditions, as she is special needs. Now I have to learn about this one. I realize that this is different. This has several different treatment options. My sister was with my Dad at this appointment and she said the doctors are very hopeful. They were urology not oncology so again we wait. I have played this waiting game before and I don’t like it. I have no choice though.
My poor Dad, He had to live life after losing his wife. She died right when they were supposed to start really having fun. They raised their family. They had grand kids. Retirement was heading in the right directions and then Bang, No more wife. Enter the widower’s club. A crappy place to be but like anything else , you learn to live again. My Dad was pretty fortunate in that area. He is handsome, friendly, funny and can fend for himself. As a matter of fact my father does not want to be catered to does not expect it and would probably be put off by it.I am glad he lived. He traveled some places my mother was not interested in, that he was. He spent time learning how to be a single guy and I think he did a great job. I continued to be Dad, Grandpa, and brother to his remaining close family and he is an Uncle to many who are well, not so close. He is also a friend. My Dad, has more friends than I could count and I am always so sad for him when he tells me that one is no more. The older you get the more often you will experience that type of loss as death is the only outcome for life. I am pretty sure my Dad has more life to live. His doctors have not led him to believe otherwise. I do not believe any medical professional gives false hope. I believe they base your prognosis on the facts presented to them.
I am kind of overwhelmed by this information though. I think wow why does Cancer just keep on affecting people. My people. I know I am not the only one. I sound selfish, but truly I am not. I am just sad by the fact that my has to feel pain. He has to endure treatments. He has to put up with peoples personalities and after experiencing the amazing radiation tech’s my husband had to the horrible infusion techs he had I know it will be only wishful thinking to expect something totally different, although I will hope for it anyway.
Damn Cancer- You suck Go away already!!!!