Short Stories: Rat Tail and Scar…..

 

Chapter 1

How in the world did I get here? Did I go to a party? I really can’t remember. I recall I was eating a really good dinner and had lots of water and now all I see around me is emptiness. Have I crossed over? It can’t be, I can see things moving, I can smell the air. I saw a rat or maybe it was a cat I couldn’t tell it was too far.

I looked down and I realized I was tied to a pole with a very large chain and I could barely move. I looked down at my body and all I saw was fleas jumping off my very very wrinkled skin. When did I become a Sharpei? I am a Pitbull! What maybe I did cross over. This is very confusing! I started focusing really hard and saw the steady drip of water that came from somewhere I don’t know but I think I am in a really large empty room. Light trickles in and from time to time I see some humans that kind of look like me. Lost and afraid and really hungry. There was this one human who gave me some of his food, It kind of tasted like what I imagine Cat food to taste like, but he was kind and shared. He never came back. I guess sharing wasn’t his thing.

Time was passing and I did not remember why I was there, but I must have done something really bad to be tied to this pole for so long. I don’t remember the last time I ate or walked around and I have been sleeping right next to my pee, this was really yucky and I wished I could get off this chain. I pulled and pulled and all it did was hurt my neck and make me sleepy. I guess I sleep all the time as I don’t have a schedule, no one comes to play with me or feed me or take me for walks. I think my human must have crossed over as I can’t smell him anywhere. Of course I cant go anywhere to try to smell him.

One day I hear a lot of noise and the next thing I know, these big car like things start bringing in a lot of junk into my room, boxes and lamps and all kinds of stuff. I tried to call out but no one heard me. Time started passing and I was still all alone. Each day more and more stuff would come in but no one saw me.

One morning or I think it was morning, a lot of light came in my room. Doors were open. I did not even know my room had doors. I heard voices. I started to think maybe now I have crossed over. Light and voices but no one ever sees me.

Then it happened two very beautiful voices came over to me and said “hey Buddy are you all right?” I stood up with all my might and I cried out No, Help me! I am supposed to be a Pit and look at me, I am a damn Sharpei. I have more wrinkles than I can count.

I am hungry and my human never came for me. I have been tied here for a very long time and I am hungry and I don’t feel good. The two nice voices went and got me a blanket and food and water. One stayed with me while the other one went somewhere. I found out later that she went to get big tool thing to cut me off that rope. Wow! it feels good to be off that thing. I can move and I forgot how much I like humans. Some of them are so nice.

The next thing I knew I was in a car. I love the car it is so much fun. They took me to the doctors, as a matter of fact they took me to a lot of doctors and they introduced me to a whole big family. The doctors kept saying this guy is not well, but I knew I just needed some food, and a few baths and to get rid of these fleas. Some of the fleas were always teasing me telling me that they are the boss of me, but my new friends gave me a yucky tasting pill and the next thing I knew all of the fleas were gone. Even the mean ones that not only bit me, but teased me too.

I am kind of confused as to why everyone has the same two names, they are either Mommy or Daddy and sometimes there are a bunch of Mommy and Daddies, but I don’t care because they now call me Mikey. I like that name. It makes feel like I have a family again. I started going to the doctor a lot.

I got this awesome tent to live in while I was healing up. I thought my new friends were going to be my family but they were just letting me stay with them while I healed.

One day my friend said to me, time to go to your new home. I was so excited, I peed on the neighbor dog(he was not that nice and since we were not going to be neighbors anymore, I knew it was going to be okay)

I went on an awesome car ride, and I brought my new tent and blankets and bowls and toys and I knew that my life was going to be better and better. At first it took some used to getting my new Mommy and Daddy to understand when I wanted to eat and go out. I would hear my Dad say I don’t understand Dog, what are you trying to tell me Mikey. Do you want to go out? Do you want to eat. It took a little time to figure out who was going to do what, but after some time we all figured it out.

When I need to do my business, I just stare at them and put one ear up. That means now and if they don’t listen I do my funny bark, it sounds like a-wow wow rue! That means I can’t really wait anymore so now is a really good time to go for a walk.

When I am hungry I give them a different stare and then I just keep staring until they ask me if I am hungry then I wag my tail and they know.

A few weeks passed and I saw my friend who found me in that horrible room, and I saw all those nice people who visited me in the doctors office. I figured out they were family of my new parents. They are all really nice to me and I hear them talking about how much better I look. The only thing is sometimes they call me Rat Tail, I think that might be mean but when they say it they always pet me and say it will grow back boy, so maybe it is just an observation.

My new Mommy is easy to boss around. If she does not pay attention to me, I sit by her bed and rattle my tags, if that does not work I tap my paw nails on her floor. I think I could probably have been a famous tap dancer, had I not been locked away in that place.

Laa Daa tap tap tap,, La La Daa tap tap tap…….

 

Chapter 2

One day I was playing with my brothers and sisters. I was really young. I heard my humans saying that I was the runt. I didn’t know what that meant. I though I was King of the yard. I knew how to go outside to do my business and I slurped the loudest when I was drinking. Late one evening my human said come on little guy we are going for a ride. I was really excited as I did not know what a ride was, but I was the only one going with him so for sure, I knew that runt must mean I am the favorite.

We went to a store, it was really awesome. The store had dog food and cat food and fish and lizards and crickets and toys it was like a giant party. I heard my human talking to other humans but I was very busy meeting this cute little boy and girl and their human. They liked me a lot and they asked their human if they could have me. Have me does that mean I can’t go back to my brothers and sisters? Does that mean my human is just giving me away? Am I for sale? What in the world, that must mean I am a runt and they don’t keep runts?

So very confused. I was so excited I peed right there on the floor. The nice human said oh look he is so happy he is peeing. I think he would fit right in with our family. The little humans said but Dad, Mom is not going to want a puppy she said we were to go in the store get crickets and crickets only. The Dad human said oh she is a softy let’s go outside and show her this puppy and when she falls in love we will tell her he is hers.

They brought me to the car. They had a little car and it had a lot of humans in it now, The Dad human and the Mom human and there were 3 little humans. The Mom human said Oh my this is the cutest puppy I ever saw. Wow she liked me a lot she held me and pet my head and the next thing I knew they started calling me Larry.

They brought me home and I found out that I was going to have a brother, his name was Romeo and he was a lot older than me. He did not love playing and he really loved my new Dad human. They had a lizard named Gilbert and a whole bunch of birds. I thought I was on a farm or something but really it was just a regular house like the one with my real brothers and sisters.

As time past I really liked these humans. They became my family very quickly. The boy human was my best buddy. When the morning would come I would jump over the sofa and land on him to wake him up to go on the big car that took him away every morning and brought him back every afternoon. I hated when he left but it gave me time to get to know my other humans. The little one liked to sneak me out of my little house and play with me. The Dad human slept all the time. The Mom human was always busy she came and went a lot with the Dad human and the little girl human. The older girl human liked me a lot she would sit in the yard with me and my dog brother and we could run around and she would laugh all the time. This made me really happy. I had a big family and they were really nice. They taught me some neat things but they would still get mad sometimes.

I got in trouble one day for eating what they called the wall? I don’t know what that means but it tasted good and there was lots more of it so I don’t know why they were so mad. The boy human got mad at me when I ate his long worms, he said he needed them for school? What is that and why does he need worms for school. I guess they were food for his square thing he carries around.

Time started passing and I was getting bigger and bigger. I no longer had to live in my little house and I was allowed to sleep on the bed with my boy human. It was awesome, he would rub me and pet me and play with me all the time.

One day my Mom human went out with my Dad human and he never came back. I think he must have fallen asleep somewhere? I missed him a lot he was funny, but he did sleep all the time so probably one day he will wake up and come home? I think at least.

One day it was really weird Mom was crying all day long and then my brother Romeo went out and he too never came back. It was so sad, my Mom human told me that he passed over the Rainbow Bridge. I too was sad as all dogs learn about the Rainbow bridge when they are born.

Now our family was smaller. It was kind of weird now but they still took good care of me, they played all the time and fed me and walked with me to the park. I even got to go in the swing until I got too big and did not fit anymore.

One day our family moved to a new house and you would not believe but the big girl human left home. But it was really neat, she would come back with her new friend a boy human and they would sneak me human food. They would visit and bring me toys. It was really nice.

As time passed I got bigger and bigger and sometimes my Mom human and the little girl human would not be home all the time. I spent a lot of time with my boy human and he makes sure I go outside to do my business and he knows when I am hungry all the time.

My family has lots of funny names they call me but my real name is Larry. I answer to that but I also answer to hey you, yo dog and anything as long as it is my humans calling me. I know they love me so much. I am so glad I was the runt and I got to get my own human family…

 

Chapter 3

I went to lots of doctors and they all said the same thing. In time his hair will grow back, in time with the proper diet he will gain weight back and in time we will get these ear infections under control.

Truth is my Dad and Mom human feed me this awful food and then they try to tell me it is good. I don’t see them eating it and it does not taste good. I decide I will not eat until they find me something that at least tastes a little good. One day my Dad human comes home with a bag of something. I was canned food and he mixed it in with my dry food. Oh boy o boy that tastes good. Now I am back to eating. The doctor said my ears are getting better but my fur is taking it’s sweet time coming back in.

When My Mom and Dad human take me walks I hear the other dogs cracking jokes about me, they call me baldy back, lumpy and Rat Tail. There goes that Rat Tail again. The humans say it and the dogs. It must be true I must be the famous Rat Tail. They are not making in fun of me. They know I am a very famous dog. Rat Tail. I am the boss of this dangerous gated community in Florida. All dogs and people know to stay there distance as I run these streets. When big Mikey comes through All hail Mikey, either pet me give me or kiss or walk on the other side of the street.

Now that I finally knew the truth, I am Boss dog, Big Mike aka Rat Tail. I can demand things. When I give my humans the look they better react. I give them that eye and raised ear and they run for that leash and take me for a walk. When I give them the eye, my water bowl fills up and my food appears instantly. When I want a belly rub I just roll over and wiggle and belly rubs come out of no where.

I like being Boss. Sometimes I give those humans a wink and they take me to none other but the famous dog park. When I get there all the dogs greet me at the gate. They all say ohhh Rat tail is here. Give him space, let him in and let him take whatever tennis balls he can find. They usually chatter say good bye to you balls, Rat Tail is here.

I really like the park nice humans usually talk to my humans and ask what is wrong with me and they say nothing. They say they rescued me and that I am an old boy, I am pretty sure that means I am a very cool and famous dog, as they are all very nice to me.

For a long time I only went to the park with my Humans but one day my humans family came with their dog. I did not know they had a dog, why are they at our park and who is this wiggly guy. He is like bigger than me and very busy, Eww I hope they don’t really come in the fence, where I am ,hopefully they just needed to tell me humans something and they will leave as fast as they came…….

 

 

Chapter 4

One day my Mom human and my boy and girl human said come on Lar, let’s go meet Grandpa and Mikey at the dog park. I said what a park for dogs….Yes yes yes, I got so happy I peed right there in the doorway. Mom said I really need to control that peeing but I did not care because I heard Grandpa. Grandpa is my friend when he comes to visit he plays with me and rubs my ears in a very special way. Only a real Grandpa could rub them.

While we were driving in the car, I said hi to every car that went by. I was trying to tell them I am going to the park but most of them just looked at me and kept driving. I guess they were mad they were not going to the park.

We finally made it to the park. My boy human said I should walk around outside for a while so I would not be so excited when I get inside. I did not care what he had to say I was really excited and I got to the first gate, I went inside and I was greeting my Moms sister and this dog , He was fierce, he had a Rat Tail and I think he wanted to eat me. I growled and tried to act tough, but he growled louder and he bit me a little. I learned later that he was the famous Rat Tail and I should respect him. I also learned , you will never believe this he was my Grandpa’s dog. My Grandpa human had his own dog and his own dog is famous.

I went inside the park and found out it was a lot of fun. I get to run with out my leash. I can drink from a bucket and there are lots of other dogs and humans. There was this one dog there I think he liked me a little too much. He made me feel weird so I went closer to my humans for protection. I tried really hard to make Rat Tail be my friend, but he was very busy taking a tennis ball apart. He took that ball out with such force I knew I better be nice to him.

It was a nice day except the part when we first got to the park, and I had to growl, that made me feel mean and I am a lover not a fighter. We went home and the whole ride I kept hearing my humans talking about how they hope me and Mikey will get along. They hope we like living together and they hope I don’t get beat up too much.

Now I am really confused, I thought that was just someone we met at the park. I did not know I am moving and I did not know I have to now make friends with the Infamous Rat Tail. Geeze now I am getting a little nervous.

A few weeks past and I did not move and see anyone from the park. I decided they were just talking about maybe moving. Then it happened my Mom human came home with boxes and boxes and she was so busy she barely played with me. The boy and girl human were busy and I knew things were changing.

One day my humans said come on Larry lets go for a ride, lets go visit Grandpa. I got really excited as I like him a lot, while we were driving I was pretty excited. I started thinking about my last car ride and I realized I may have to be brave because that other dog lives with my Grandpa.

We pulled up to the house and went inside. At first I was so excited I ran to my Grandpa and well you probably know what happened next, I peed.

Grandpa said oh Larry you always pee when you get happy, you need to relax. I am also happy to see you and I am not peeing.

Then it happened, my Moms sister came in the house with non other than Mikey aka Rat Tail. I started shaking in my shoes, but then I remembered I am the runt. I am the favorite so I will stand tall and pretend like I am not scared for my life. Mikey came over and we did our dog ritual, a little butt sniffing and a little soft growling. At first I thought my cover was blown when my stupid tail started wiggling, but then I saw his tail was wiggling also.

Time started passing and we tried playing. I jumped on Mikey he jumped on me and sometimes when I walked past him he bit me. Mommy said it was a love bite, but she does not speak dog and I know for sure he wants to eat me.

Luckily we went home and all was well…

Chapter 5

Boy was I glad that annoying youngster Larry went home. My Mommy and Daddy human said I should be nice to him as he is a young guy and he was going to be staying here for a while. I was not to happy with that idea but my humans said I have to get used to it as that is what family does. Family that guy is family. Well he does have a lot of wrinkles so maybe I am part Sharpei. Well if we are going to family for I will have to let him know who is Boss Dog. I ,Sir Mikey aka Rat Tail. I am Boss Dog! I rule the roost and I for sure will make that young guy bow down to me. He will give me all toys and I will steal his bed once he get’s here.

Chapter 6

I heard my humans say its moving day. I did not see any one moving they were just watching that square thing that talks. Later that day I saw some other humans, I knew they were family humans as I see them from time to time, showed up with a few things. Then they left. Late that night they came in with that dog. I guess his name is Larry even though I think by the time I am done with him he might just have a new name, like beat up or dead. My humans reminded me to be nice.

That Larry came in my house and started wiggling. He would not stop wiggling and I thought he kind of looked like he could use one of the doctors. I think he was having a seizure or something. I remembered my humans saying be nice so I went up to him. I barked loudly. I am Mikey. I am ruler of this house you will not eat my food, you will not sleep on my couch and you can’t play with my Mom. And that is the rules, youngster.

Chapter 7

It was moving day. Lots of activity and lots of people. No one wanted to play, they all said later Larry we are busy. My human girl came in my human boys room a lot and said later we will have fun. I believed her as she really loves me. Finally my boy human said come on Larry, we are done with this house. He put my food and my bowl and my bed and my toys in the car and we piled in. Off we went and we said goodbye to our old house.

We started driving and I could see my humans were tired. I was bored had nothing to do all day so I started wiggling in the car and talking to the people in the cars next to us. No one was paying attention to me.

We pulled up and sure enough we were at my Grandpa humans house. My boy human made me walk a little bit before we went in, He knows when I get happy I have to pee. We went inside and my fears were as suspected. There he was Big Mikey. He came to me and told me the rules. I am not allowed to eat his food, no going on his couch and I am not to try to steal his Mommy human, which is my Mommy humans sister. I knew he mean business when he growled at me. I tried to stand my ground and growl back I even jumped up on him like I was tough.I really was scared but I did not want anyone to notice. I got yelled at and squirted with the water bottle and then my boy human put down my bed and told me I had to go to sleep.

I decided it was safer to sleep with my Mom human and my girl human. They were nice to me and they kept telling me it will all be okay.

The morning came and my boy human took me for a walk. Wait no dumpster? no trash on the side walk? no left over poop to sniff. I am very confused. My Grandpa human must live in a very bad neighborhood. No wonder Mikey has to be so tough , he has to protect himself here. I bet there must be scary dogs and humans here.

 

Chapter 8

Time started passing and it seemed like Larry was not leaving. It was not so bad. His humans are really nice to me and they can walk me when my Daddy is not feeling good or my Mommy is out. She goes out a lot and when she is gone I miss her. Her sister is Larry’s Mommy human and I kind of like those little humans she brought with her. They play with me a lot.

Larry and I try to be friends but he is a youngster and he thinks he knows everything so I have to school him from time to time. You will never believe he tried to eat my food. I had to bite him right on the nose. I made him bleed and his humans got really worried. I thought I might be in big trouble, but there were just worried about him. I started to feel bad about biting him so hard, but hey sometimes you just react.

Now

they call him Scar. The other day we were walking through the streets. When we go out together our humans always remind us Rat Tail and Scar be nice. Don’t bark and don’t jump. I listen really well. Scar not so much he likes to bark. I figured out he is just bragging about being my brother. He yells at everyone and says clear the way, Rat Tail is coming through and he needs to do his business. Give him space give him privacy and most importantly don’t mess with his new partner in crime Scar.

So now you know about Rat Tail and Scar…..

 

Everyone needs a place to call home

Although a small group of people overall are actually homeless, many are without a place to call home.

Feeling homeless and being homeless can be the same or it can be quite different.

Everyone , every person, every being ,whether they admit it or not, needs to feel there is a place that is home, that is safe, that is peaceful.

For some this so called home in a garden, or a park or in their physical house. Some find it in a religious or spiritual place or worship. Some find it in a bar and some find it on a website.

Over the past year , I personally have been working with my sister, building a website a place to share and place to learn and a place to find comfort. This website  https://whitebearsworld.com  is still in progress but it main focus is for children and their families that have a rare or chronic disease, to share their stories and learn from one another. A place to share ups and downs and a place to offer new found information(medical)

Also in this past year I have spent a good part of the year in the hospital with my daughter, who has VACTERL Syndrome. Over their year I found it impossible to work and properly care for her, my son and myself. We would physically be homeless if not for the kindness of my family , we are staying at my Dads house while we figure out of next move.

Life is crazy and hectic sometimes and recently I have realized how important being home is.

Having that safe zone. Knowing people care if I am ok.

I wish that for everyone, although running into a very old friend whom was holding a sign looking for help getting food. He is not only emotionally homeless but physically homeless as well.

It broke my heart to see and I felt even worse that I have no way to help.

Please always send kind wishes to others as many many are physically or emotionally homeless.

Hoping as https://whitebearsworld.com, unfolds it will offer some comfort for others fighting rare and chronic disease to feel like they have someone, even a stranger who cares to know they are ok

Crockpot Steak

I have made a ton of things in my Crockpot over the years. I have never really tried making steak in it though. As I have stated in an earlier post I am in the middle of moving and I am trying to use up all my groceries prior to my move to make life a little easier. Also with moving cooking in my crockpot allows me to take care of other things while still making a decent dinner.

The ingredients I used were simple, easy and tasty!

Sirloin Steak

Black Pepper

Paprika

Adobo

Garlic Powder

1 can of Rotel Tomatoes with Chile Peppers(medium heat)

I turned the crockpot on at noon, I went to work came home at 6 and was the tenderest steak I ever made.

My kids are not big fans of Rice A Roni, but I like it and well I need to finish up the groceries so I make the Beef Flavor to go with the Steak, It was truly delicious and I would surely make again.

I am sure that you could use whatever cut of steak you like but I used what I had, I had originally bought it to make fajitas. But I guess I never got around to that.

Sometimes I forget that I actually enjoy cooking, Now I need to start taking good pictures of these recipes.

When my husband was alive , he used to call  me Master Mix as no matter how little food we had I always found a way to throw it together and come up with a meal. That was a very long time ago and have gotten into the routine of  the What do you want for dinner game? which I actually don’t like at all. I ask my Daughter, I ask my son they will usually disagree on whatever the other on says and I will get mad and make a pot of pasta, he loves meat sauce, she hates the consistency and only wants pasta with meatballs. Kids they are always going to keep it interesting.

Happy Crockpotting!

Spicy Crockpot Chicken

I wish I would have taken a picture of this as it came out unexpectedly delicious. I am in the process of moving so I don’t want to do any grocery shopping as that would just make more work. That being said, time to use what I actually had in the house.

Here are the ingredients I used:

Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts

Sliced Green, Red and Orange Bell Peppers

Chopped Onion

Chile Powder

3 Peppercino’s

1/2 cup of the Juice from the Peppercino’s

Garlic Powder

Black Pepper

I had no idea how long I was going to be out for but I put it on High for about 5 hours, When I came back home my house smelled so good.

I make a pot of Yellow Rice to go along with it and it was really good.

I have never cooked with Hot Peppers, I usually just eat them in Salads, when I realized there was not much to work with I figured how bad can it be. My son who prefers Red Meat over Chicken even said Mom talk was great make it again soon.

He is a chronic complainer when it comes to food and I was quite surprised by his reaction so I thought I would share as Crockpot Cooking is my favorite way to go. It is so easy to just throw everything in and keep going.

Since it came out so good the next night I worked with Steak so I will share that next!

Happy Crockpotting 🙂

A wish for today…

 

My wish for today is that everyone take one second to be thankful to that Mom, Dad, Grandparent, Aunt , Uncle, Teacher, or whomever taught them to cope with things. To learn to accept life on life’s terms to be good to one another. In the end of life the only that will be said at a funeral (what your legacy is) is the kind of person you are. No one is saying wow they had an awesome stove and what a lovely yard they had. Do you know how many great jobs they had. What will be said was how you treated others , how you impacted others and the type of way of living you lived. So make your legacy one to proud of.

In my 25 years as an adult, I have learned so much. I used to think working all day and being able to buy things was the most important. Then I started having kids and I learned loving and caring for them and teaching them is most important. Then my youngest was born with VATER(VACTERL) Syndrome and I learned even more about life. I learned how to be a caregiver, and advocate for her health and so so much more. I have an honorary nursing degree as I fondly call it. I could go on and on about our experiences and sometimes I do but today I am just thankful to have learned the importance of simply being there. The importance of listening and the importance of hearing what you are listening to. The other day my daughter was having a rough time, she is noticing that all of her peers are so much taller than her. She is realizing that the medicines she must take make her face puffy and there is not much she could do about that and it is giving her some self doubt. I believe that is pretty typical type emotions for one turning the big 13 in 2 weeks.

She was telling me her concerns and I tried to respond with a joke. I thought perhaps it would lighten her mood and distract what was bothering her. Joking and laughing is one of my coping mechanisms. I would rather laugh than cry although sometimes inside I am crying while others see me laughing. It works not always but a good part of the time anyway. This time it did not work, she said Mom you are a clown always laughing but I don’t find this funny, I am feeling like and she explained herself. I immediately told her she can tell me anything and I will hear her out and try to find a way to make her feel better and if I can’t than well I can’t but at least she can get it off her chest. I let her rant for a good ten minutes and then I told her that somethings in life we have control over and others we do not. The things we can control we should and sadly sometimes we must accept the things we can’t and if there is a way to make those things a little better, we should at least try. This seemed to help on this particular conversation. I was proud of myself for knowing I had to turn off my coping mechanism and hear out hers. Had someone along the line not teach this to me maybe our lives would be even more of a mess than they already are. That night she hugged me tight before bed and said she is kind of glad she is small so she can still snuggle with me.

If that is my only legacy in life was that I loved and was loved, truly that will be sufficient!

 

General Hospital

I have been watching General Hospital since I was a small child. Perhaps my entire life through, my mother and sisters. Over the years us girls watched Days of our Lives and General Hospital. I am the only one who still watches. I tried forcing it on my kids over the kids. My oldest watched until a few years ago. My son stopped the second he realized what I was forcing him to watch. My youngest watches with me faithfully. I know I can only count on that for so long so I will continue to cherish it.

For the past few years the story lines have been very predictable, repetitive and at times downright annoying. Somehow, my morbid curiosity forces me to watch each day and at times look forward to it.

The past few weeks, the show is on fire! It is finally interesting, finally semi-unpredictable and truly entertaining. I am glad I spent 40 years paying attention as now they have brought back old storylines and infused into current storylines and they actually halfway make sense, and they have been able to pull old footage and ad into make the stories more believable.

I am impressed and a little sad that it is Friday and only one more episode for the week.

The good thing is there is plenty of tv to keep me watching. Gotta love NetFlix.

And here’s to the future….

After almost 15 years I saw a Physiatrist, I used to see one a long time ago. At the time I suffered from not only depression and anxiety but self worthlessness. That was a long time ago. I have learned a lot about life and a lot about myself in these years. I no longer see myself as worthless, I actually think I am a pretty cool person. I am kind, well mannered(for the most part) and I can hold up my end of most conversations and when I can’t I stay quiet, crack a joke or admit I have no idea what you are all talking about so I am just going to sit back and listen.

I think all that that makes for a little clue as to how I might think, but it does not. It would be improbable to think that someone would be able to delve into my brain and get what is going on in there. It can be a scary place sometimes, mostly just mixed up, hyped up type thought but then there is some dark and depressing,sad and confusing stuff in there also.

Most people think I just go about my days but there are a handful of people who really know me. They know that I fight depression and anxiety and although I give it a good fight now and again it gets the best of me. In the past few years I have learned that no matter how I am feeling, put to the test, I will react and take care of whatever I need to do. If we have appointments, I get to them. If we have bills I figure out a way to pay them, if we have food I cook it, if we don’t I figure out how to get it and so on. So I do fight it, so what does that really mean, nothing on the big swing of things I still need help. I still have days where it is a complete blur and I have no clue how the things got accomplished and sometimes I wonder what exactly I said to all the people I encountered.

Well as it seems, the doctor did not admit me to an institution so that is a good sign. He also did not deny that I have had these issues a long time and even though I fight it on my own, I don’t need to , he is there and he will help to the best of his ability. I need to understand that just because you take a pill it does not lessen the fact that your kid needs to endure one more huge surgery before the summer is out and she really does not want to do it. It does not change the fact that I need to work, yet how can I work. I need to take care of business yet it is stressful not having a clue how. I need to understand just because a take a pill it is not magic it will not take away real life, however it will help, it will make me more evened out and less I can accomplish the world today and tomorrow and then I can’t get off the couch for three days. It may not make it perfect but it will help me to help myself. I believe that is a really good starting point.

I also learned that me talking to people about my issues and what is going on in my mind is a good thing and that seeing a counselor will help me work out some of the emotions I have and if anything give me a good sounding board. I need that.

I have so many stories I would like to share. So many things I would like to talk about , but then people would know, then people judge, then people would look at me and have something say about things that are past tense and even if you would have done differently, I am not supernatural and I can’t go back and change events, it is simply not an option. Although that would be kind of cool. I watch  a lot of Supernatural and Charmed and the different powers are all kind of awesome, but I know better….

So I will try out some new medication, hope it works, hope I don’t break out in hives like the others in the past, and hope to be able to see my future in the bright way I would truly like to see it…