Well it’s about time, Lisa….

About 1-1/2 years ago I wrote an article about Steroid Psychosis. This is probably the most personal experience I have ever shared here.

Here is a link to it if you would like to read:

https://lisabarriera.wordpress.com/2015/08/16/steroid-psychosis-a-personal-experience/

Time has past since I wrote this article. Just now I am finally making my doctor appointments and looking into helping myself. I have been seeing my Ortho for a long time because of my knees. I have been seeing primary because my Blood Pressure and I have now started seeing Rheumatology  due to the my joint pain and my primary saw something in my blood work that thought needed more attention.

What I did not deal with was my mental. My emotional status. My ability to look at the past of my life and love what was great and let go of what was not. I have made great strides in some areas and horrible in others. I have not been able to force myself to diet, to stay on an exercise routine. Some days I do great and I make efforts and others I can barely just take care of my kids and that is the best I can do.

I listen to other people, they tell me their problems. I hear them, I feel for them and I look at how much is stuff they could have controlled had they really been paying attention. I know for myself, I have let certain things happen. I could have stopped them but it would have changed everything and I was too afraid of the change, did not want to be the butt of more bad decisions, therefore hearing how all my decisions are bad somehow or another really screws with my self esteem.

When I read about that last year of my husbands life, and I read how I was feeling when I wrote that article it makes me feel those emotions all over again.I woke up yesterday, totally disturbed. My mind would not turn off. I was distraught at something that was said about me a long time ago and I thought I put it to smash, yet clearly it is still an open topic of discussion by people who have done nothing but lie and been lied to. Not by me I just went along with it. My husband said it is none of their business(meaning anyone) and he would not tell the truth about things that honestly there was no reason to lie about. Simple things like his brother inviting him over and him saying oh I can’t go because we have to do this or that, when in all reality we just had no gas in the car. He would tell his family that he had money from this or that, rather than no my wife pawned her ring so we could pay the light and buy this birthday present for you. Or even better They gave it to me. Who was they ?(no-one) why would they just give it to you. But funny they never questioned this. He said it, surely it must be true, although they are always the type that even if they do something nice to you they would say don’t tell anyone, I did this.

See if you are always lying, chances are you will believe others are lying too.

I have nothing to lie about. I tell the truth in my writing. I share information that is not anyone’s business yet I feel like sharing it and I do. I don’t deny that my father taught me the value of money, he taught me to invest and all kind of smart things. I heard him but clearly I was not listening. I have managed to be in my 40’s. Not a dime in the bank or anywhere else. No 401K no savings, no retirement plan, and to top it off just about no income. I was taught better, I just did not learn. When my daughter(my youngest) came into this world as sick as she did , I had no idea what the future would hold, and quite honestly income, and savings and money was rarely a thought, only to get through the month with bills and keep the kids happy- or happyish. We did our best. I worked full time he stayed with the kids. With the little one having a million appointments and all it truly worked out of the best. When I lost my full time job everything went hectic for a bit but we figured it out. I got a part time job, he found some apartments to manage part time and we made do. When he passed, all those appointments became mine. My daughter got listed on the transplant list and well if you read some of my other posts you can pretty much see where we are at now.

Finally I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

This appointment is way past due as I should not still be so upset about the comments being made. I should still not wake up and see my husband trying to choke me. I should not sleep three hours a night and then struggle for the next 6 with my brain and any combination of emotions until I finally knock back out due to exhaustion, unless we have an appointment and there I will be up again for the day only making the sleepless pattern continue.

I am going to find a way to live with all this pent up emotion. Figure out is it anger, is it depression and anxiety, is it fear that I loved someone so much that seeing him go crazy made me go crazy?I don’t have a clue, could it be everything I see with my daughter. Could it simply be lack of support or what I don’t know but in about 6 more weeks I will be able to start working on that. Good thing I am not suicidal as long as the appointments take to get but what can you do at least with my lack of income , I am getting medical help.

Don’t wait this long , it is to overwhelming.

 

First step….

It was a simple gesture, saying welcome back on the board in Angel’s room. To a casual observer it may not even be noticed. To me, as the aunt of one of the most amazing people I know, that gesture was symbolic of the many years of love, heartache, triumph and hope that we have […]

via In Order to Get Anywhere, We Must Take the First Step — Marie Cheine

Have I ever told you about the time at KFC?

About 13-14 years ago, I was recently divorced and wanted  a bigger different place as I had just been promoted at work and was financially comfortable. Who knew fast forward to today I would be in such an uncomfortable place . Oh well that is not what this story is about. So I purchased a 3 bedroom 2 bath mobile home. It was nice-ish anyway. It had some cosmetic needs but it was not in bad shape and the area was nice for me being a single Mom. So I decided I wanted to rip up the carpeting all around the place and replace some areas with wood, which I actually did laminate wood look for the majority of the home.

Let’s be a little more honest here and say I did not put down the laminate flooring I hired a neighbor and then other neighbors offered to help and well anyway by the time the day came to put the floor down there were about 11-12 people at my house.

So now it is getting to be early afternoon and I needed to now feed all the people who were there. Truthfully only one person was actually working the rest were drinking beer and well I needed to feed them all. So I decided I would go down the street to Kentucky Fried Chicken, get a couple of buckets of chicken some sides and and stop for some soda’s along the way. So now I convince my sister to come to KFC with me as I don’t want to order all that food by myself. I will admit I was a lot thinner then , than I am now but even so I was not skinny and ordering a few buckets of chicken, well you know that could leaving me open for many comments and or jokes at my expense.

So now I finally go into the place and I order like 80 dollars worth of food. And the lady behind the counter says  to me is that to stay or to go. Now I don’t know what your response would be , but mine was Yes and Can I have a Diet coke with that.

I laughed and laughed the entire way home and to this day my sisters will joke with me and say Do you want a Diet coke with that, and we just crack up.

I am glad to say with all the problems of the world I can still look back and reflect on a simpler time for me and enjoy the funny memories.

What is everyone binge watching?

I went for a really long time not watching tv. Since I have picked the habit up of Binge watching I can say I love it. I love picking a show and seeing it from beginning to end. I love the feeling of approaching the end and knowing I am going to miss that show. I also know when I am not sure what to do with down time, I have a show I can re-watch while I do regular around the house kind of stuff.

I talk a lot of tv with my sisters. I have a few friends who watch some of the same shows so there is always someone to discuss at least one of the shows I am currently on. I watch most tv with my youngest daughter, the one I always write about@teamangel.

Since she is only 12 I can only watch but so much with her. I can watch other shows with my older children, but my son who is near 17 now gets embarrassed by certain things in my presence. My oldest daughter does not live at home anymore so when she comes over we always wind up talking through anything we put on anyway.

Right now we are currently watching the following shows:

That 70’s Show

Cheers

It’s always Sunny in Philadelphia

Charmed

SuperNatural

Greys Anatomy

Empire

Once upon a time

Better Call Saul

General Hosptial

 

 

and sometimes we like to watch the contest shows on the Food Network and The HGTV shows when we are in the hospital. At home we only have Netflix and Hulu, by choice but it is nice to catch some of the other shows once in awhile.

We are planning to rewatch the last season of Gilmore Girls just before the Reunion or whatever they are calling it comes out end of next month.

I would love to hear what series shows you all have watched. Maybe I have way more to talk about and maybe I could look forward to the suggestions and what you loved about the ones you have already watched or in the process of.

 

In the last few years I have watched the following

Breaking Bad

Weeds

Greys Anatomy- up to current

MadMen

Private Practice

House

Royal Pains

Arrested Development

Orange is the New Black

Part of Narcos- just have not gotten back to yet

ParentHood

Supernatural- up to current

Young and Hungry

SuperStore

Hart of Dixie

Gilmore Girls

Pretty Little Liars

Gossip Girl- never got past the 1st season

I am sure a whole bunch more but they are not coming to me at the moment.

I think I loved all of them in different ways. Breaking Bad took me out of my tv comfort zone

Weeds- Nancy had me cracking up the entire series with her craziness.

House made me feel smart and Grey’s well that just showed me that I am an emotional mess.

I could easily talk about any of the shows I already watched and I am eager to find new and old shows that I have not heard of or had a chance to see.

So tell me about your TV talk!

 

 

TV series Parenthood

I started watching the tv series Parenthood about 10 days ago. My sister and I had a deal, she watches Supernatural-my favorite and I watch Parenthood. See she does not like that kind of show it and it took me and my daughter over a year to convince her she will love it. Now she is mid season 3 and I think we have finally accomplished what we set out to do, find another fan!

I am fastly approaching season 4 of Parenthood so I have had some time to reflect on this show. I will admit I am loving it, I will admit that it has made me cry more times than I would care to admit and I will also admit my daughter who was set to hate the show likes it a lot.

Watching a show that shows parenthood for what it is, love, ups and downs, hard work and total amazing payoffs, is very nice. I like seeing other people have challenges that I have faced and watch how they go about it. I think it is neat that a tv show would bring a disease like Asperger’s to the forefront. Any parent loses their patience with their kids. Any kid can be annoying at least some of the time. That kid has no ability to control those things so discipline is different and regular day to day has to be learned, can’t just do what comes naturally with other kids as this may cause major meltdowns.

Being a parent of a special needs child I thought I have seen it all. Clearly I have not. Watching how these parents must learn to deal with their child, special schools, special rules, special ways to make eye contact and the need to have to cater to the child’s needs opened my eye’s to something I had only heard of but did not really understand.

I love how the whole family interacts with one another, the closeness, the differences , how the siblings and parents work with one another to the cousins loving and fighting with one another. I will have to say It is worth the watch.

I can’t decide who is my favorite character yet. I like them all equally I guess. Crosby and Zeek make me laugh the most though.

So not sure what I will binge watch after this but I have a few seasons to go while I decide.

Gotta love my Netflix addiction!

Not even sure how to feel!

Just over two years ago, we found out my husband had terminal brain cancer. During that time in the beginning of him fighting this illness we researched every possible thing to help him beat that disease. During that time we read a lot and some of the stuff seemed promising some did not. We followed strict doctor’s orders and we discussed all of our findings with him regularly.

I know this is controversial, so I don’t always bring it up with everyone I speak with. I don’t share this information with all my friends and family as I know some would agree completely and others would disagree completely. Well a friend of ours insisted that we get the Rick Simpson Oil( it is really concentrated marijuana into an oil) I can be consumed by eating, or smoking and there are many ways you can get it. In our State is is not legal yet medically although it seems to be heading that way. We were never able to get the oil as its is not readily available. We spoke to his doctor about this and they stated I can’t tell you to smoke it but I sure will not tell you not to. If anything it will help your appetite and will be a good distraction from what your body is doing to you.

Our daughter was 20 at the time and her getting her Dad something to smoke was not difficult at all.My husband was a recovering drug addict. Staying clean was one of his biggest priorities and getting him to take pain medicine was just about impossible. I was working part time random shifts outside of our youngest daughter’s dialysis treatments and both of their many appointments. One day while I was working an evening shift my husband and daughter decided to smoke. They went to the back room of the house so the other two kids would not notice and they smoked a little joint( by the way it helped a lot but of course it did not cure him). Out of nowhere his mother showed up(we used to call her PopTart as she always just popped up-that was her way of seeing if our house was dirty or a way to catch us being grown ups)-perhaps if she would have been so concerned when her children were growing up they would not have all had drug and jail problems- but that is for another story) So now she comes  in my daughter says hi and goes to her room as to try to diffuse the uncomfortableness of her grandmother showing up when she is smoking with her Dad. She did not say anything to either of them. She visited for her usual hour and was gone.

The next morning I am in dialysis with my daughter. She calls me. She starts flipping out on me for 45 minutes, how dare my daughter smoke illegal weed with her son when he is sick. I said hold up, he asked for it. He is 48 years old and you really don’t understand the doctor said its ok and it will probably help him. She proceeded to tell me how terrible my daughter is and how she will never forgive her for giving him drugs. I told her that she is being crazy, that stop yelling at me I was not even there and my daughter is 20 years old, stays home all day taking care of her siblings and your son( who would fall down regularly, need constant medication, would need assistance to bathroom and she actually had to bath him as he would not let me do it) My daughter did everything for her Dad like a nurse would do and everything like a daughter would do. Her Dad thought she was the greatest in the world. So after 45 minutes I finally tell her whatever I don’t really care what you think my daughter is a good girl and she is doing that to help her Dad not hurt him. I told her that she should not be so judgemental when her children are no bargain.  She said she was not mad at me only that girl. I got annoyed and hung up. Of course I went to the bathroom and cried and I was so angry.

I did not want to tell my husband as I knew doctors only gave him days to months to live and I did not want him upset with anyone. After 3 days of stewing about it, I could not help but to tell him. He was so angry. He called her and told her that is terrible and that he would choose me and his kids over her anyday and that if she wanted to be part of our lives she needed to apologize. She did not and 3 months passed where we did not speak to her and she did not speak to us. Then the steroid debacle happened and he kind of went crazy. I have written about it on another post if you want more details. Well one day he said I am going to call that crazy lady and tell her every bad thing she ever did. I tried with anything to stop him. He flipped on her and well again I was the bad guy(mind you who did nothing either time). Now the months are passing. His chemo ended his radiation ended and he was on a very manageable dose of steroids. He was no longer acting crazy he was just sad. I thought I can’t let him leave this world without the love of his mother. No matter what an awful person I think she is some part of him really loves her anyway.

I decided to call her, I apologized for things I did not do and kissed her ass so she would go see her son. She made a big deal that she did not want to come to our home and that I should drop him off at her house. I told her I will not do that, he can barely see, he can barely walk with assistance and he can’t get to the bathroom on his own. That he has accidents and its best he is comfortable you should go to the house and visit him. She waited three weeks and finally showed up. She was rude to me and my daughter but she was super nice to him. I was glad she was nice to him as he felt better when she left. He told me see she is not mad at you. I did not tell him what she said outside and the rudeness she showed towards all three of the kids. She decided they were all bad I guess.

Once he passed away our relationship with his mother ended. She did not come to his memorial she did not help in anyway with his final expense and she did not offer to do any of this. She simply was rude to her other son and said I don’t know why she is doing the memorial at your home she is this and that. I did not do it at my home for my kids, for myself. His family has many thieves, many people who will not care that is my kids home and try to take things that were his. I can’t guarantee that is how it would happen but my instincts told me this was not a great idea and his brother was more than understanding. I paid for everything, I took the burden of telling all friends and family and of course I had to deal with my own emotions as well as my childrens.

Now it is almost two years later. I have my feelings about her. My family does not understand how deep rooted these emotions are. My Dad says I should not even think about her. Sadly I can’t help it. She was wrong the whole time and all of her kids did hard drugs. Two of them still do hard drugs but she said terrible things about my baby who did everything for her son. She gave up her late teens to care for him when a lot of kids her age would have said hire a nurse. She never took that into consideration she just bad mouthed us.

Yesterday my youngest daughter is talking to her cousin and we invited them over. He is 14 years old and they are living in her house. They have come across their own hardships and they basically had a choice live with her or be homeless. They chose her. So when my nephew walks in the house he is wearing a tank top with Pot Leaves all over it. I said Um nice shirt. He said Grandma got it for me. I said does she know its weed. He said yes she knows. So I said to his parents um nice shirt, they said yeah my mother got it she liked it for him. So now my 20 year old who is now almost 23 and had the worst feelings behind all that was the worst devil ever but she buys this shirt for a young teen who was born addicted to heroin but she pretends like we are terrible people when we don’t drink or smoke or do anything. It was a time he was sick and we were trying to help him. I changed the subject and tried to enjoy their company but I was hurt by seeing this.

When they went home I tried to forget but it was bothering me all night. I have so much more important things to worry and concern myself with that I won’t let this consume me, but I know for sure forgiving her ever again is not in the cards. I think if my husband could know this he would be crushed that she said all those awful things about us and now she is promoting it. I will add that she is a Jehovah’s Witness and is always judging someone for not being like her. I almost want to call her and tell her hey they are fighting for medical marijuana I hope you go out and vote as I know their religion does not allow them to vote, they can collect from the government but they won’t contribute. I guess that is for another story as well. I will do my best to let this thought leave me this morning and I will remember that she kept telling me I know I will see my son whole and well again. Jehovah tells me this, so if she is right(which my religion does not tell me this) she is not going to be to happy because if he is whole and well he already knows how crappy this all turned out.

My Dog is a Bread thief….

The picture is puppy Larry. He was about 3-4 months old there. He was still a baby and a very quick growing baby. The kids had total control of raising him and he is sweet and playful. He just does not know how big he has actually gotten. He is about 2-1/2 years old now. He is an Emotional Support Dog and that basically makes him a service dog as he provides the service of supporting us emotionally. Not much different than any other dog except he must know how to sit on command and know his name and lay down and things most dogs can easily be trained to do. He must also have a good disposition. He must also have some documentation proving that he has been seen by the vet, has shots and documentation from a mental health professional stating that you or your family member needs this dog to have a better quality of life. This is true for my children and myself as our lives have had some majors events that could stress out the strongest of people.

My daugher has many health issues you can read about in my other posts if you like. She is interesting and inspiring. My late husband got Larry for us. He had brain cancer and in the beginning of him having that disease he started doing things and saying things that either were not true, happened a long time ago or perhaps a bunch of different events mixed together. The kids and I learned quickly to not pay to much attention trying to correct the stories or make them closer to the truth.

One day we go to Pet store . My husband and my son and youngest daughter were to run inside and get some crickets for our Bearded Dragon and look and see if they have any cute hermit crabs as we already had the habitat. Me and my oldest daughter stayed in the car. We were chatting when he came out and he came out with other people who had puppies. He showed us the puppy and said he is cute, I named him Larry and we get him in so many weeks. I pat the dog on the head settled the family back in and went home. We get home and he never mentions the puppy that night. Not the next night and then all the sudden he remembered and he is like I have the phone number we need to call Jessica Wednesday  night or whatever was the date. Me and my oldest look at each other and we are like who is Jessica and then my son comes and tells us it’s the girl with the dog. Sure enough he took whatever money he had and paid for that dog. So now we can’t not get the dog, we know he is fighting terminal brain cancer and the kids already want the dog so, you know we got the dog and we had to call him Larry. That was a must he told the girls to please start calling him Larry so when he comes home with us he will already know his name.

Well now that you know how we got Larry I am sure you can understand that training went just as well as getting him, confusing and not consistent. He learned to go outside easily and he learned how to be part of our family very quickly. One day I go grocery shopping. I bought some hot dog buns. Next thing I know there is Larry running around  with the hot dog buns in the back yard. I get them from him but the obsession started. 2 and 1/2 years later, and so many loaves of bread it is not possible to leave bread anywhere he can get to it. He will get it and eat it so fast you can’t get it from him. I can leave any other food out and he won’t even mess with it. I can cook and he will investigate but not misbehave. We can eat a meal sitting on the couch and he will not bother but boy don’t leave the bread out… Last night I left the bread out …. Some people(and people meaning me) never learn….

 

The Doobie Brothers/Journey Concert

Last night my sister took me and my daughter(her first real concert) to see the Doobie Brothers and Journey. I will have to say this was one of the best concerts I have attended. In my younger years, I went to so many concerts, rock festivals and all that. Now that I am older I don’t have the opportunity to go as much and finances rarely allow.

My daughter is medically complicated. Last Saturday she went to the emergency room and wound up in the hospital for a week. On Wednesday she asked her doctor will I be home by Friday he said well I would like to keep you on the correct IV meds until Saturday. So I asked him Doc, any chance she can have a few hour furlough on Friday night we have tickets to a rock concert. He said No No No, I will get you out by Noon on Friday so you can go home and do your hair and makeup. It totally made our day.

I was concerned that she would not be feeling up to it. Life has a funny way of turning around. We fight her health issues on a daily basis and just when we think we won’t be able to go somewhere , it turns around and we get to have a great time. I guess with the downs must come the ups and I am truly thankful for that.

The show started with The Doobie Brothers. It was brutally hot out and we were afraid it was going to be horrible but five minutes in came the breeze and from then on out it got better and better. The Amphitheater was packed and the crowd was mixed with young and older crowd so we all fit in. I will admit I thought I knew more songs from the Doobie Brothers than I did but each one sounded amazing even the ones I never heard before.

When Journey took the stage the crowd went insane. The look on my daughters’s face was priceless. She jumped out of her seat right along with all the more seasoned concert goers and the show just got better and better.

The lead singer that has replaced Steve Perry, I forget his name he was amazing. If you shut your eyes you would not have a clue it was not Steve Perry. They all put on a great show, filled with great music and energy.

Pretty amazing to go from eating breakfast in the hospital to rocking out in the Amp!

To me, All Lives Matter

The picture belongs to me. My daughter and her friends.

 

 

I am truly at a loss here. I rarely watch local news. The reason I don’t watch is because it is truly overwhelming. I live in a pretty crappy part of town. I hear the cop cars, I hear gunshots, and I  hear ambulance and I see the lights from them and the fire trucks sometimes.  This is not every single day. I am thankful for that. I see it enough though. I had several options when I moved here. One was being homeless with a place to stay. My Dad was willing to help me put our stuff in storage and stay with him for a few months. He is  80 years old I could not do that. Well the other option was here. So well here we are. You may personally know me or you may have read my other posts in the past. I have three kids my oldest is on her own now, my youngest is special needs. She has been on dialysis for 8 of her 11 years and her medical condition is complicated and requires a lot of attention and a lot of hospitalizations. I became widowed about 1-1/2 years ago, making me the only one responsible for her needs as well as the bills.

Truly the apartment is great. Better than 4 of the past 5 houses I have rented recently. I live upstairs so I have less fear of people robbing the place. We do have security. I know they are only but so good but it is better than nothing and I believe that most of these shootings seem to be personal of some nature. Maybe it’s drugs? Maybe it is just being poor makes people angry. I know I get angry a lot. My situation can be described as complicating and scary , maybe no education worse people just stop believing that human life does not matter. We see all over social media, hashtag this or that life matters. People jump on the bandwagon, occasionally myself. When these people say this perhaps they mean it but do they. Why is there random shootings occurring every single day in every area all around the country. Why can’t people work things out some other way? Why do they resort to ending another’s life. When did people become so high and mighty on their own high horses and believe they get to choose another person’s last breath? To me this is a time when religious people will find meaning and say it is the time of the end other’s will say well it is our own fault, I say people in my age group, which is mid 40’s. We raised these teens and twenty somethings. For the most part they are the ones running around shooting each other.

When I was younger we fought. I was not much a fighter but had a spat or two. I surely got punched in the mouth for opening it too big and letting the words hurt someone else’s feelings. Eventually we actually became friends but one thing for sure I learned to shut my mouth when it came to stuff like that. Our friends got into fights, they beat the crap out of each other. Every now and again you would hear someone got stabbed and very very rarely did someone get shot. Truth is the few people I knew that got shot was either they shot themselves or someone playing around being stupid. I know a few lives that were lost that way. As sad as that all is it was not vicious. It was not done out of some superiority that they could end the other person’s life. I did not know this but, the other night when my daughter came for a visit. She told me it took forever to get home, something happened and I saw a lot of cops, she tells me. Turns out a cop and guy shootout right down the street. Actually in the parking lot of a local brewery. I am not sure of the outcome. I know someone is no longer here. Just not sure who was the bad guy and who was the one who lost their life. I am sure the details will eventually catch up to me. This is the second type shooting in this particular neighborhood this weekend.

I can’t imagine anyone really want’s to grieve someone they love. Sometimes we have family members who are not our favorite people but they are still ours. Just because Aunt Susie never remembers your birthday or Grandma does not know you are allergic to dairy or Uncle Stan doesn’t remember you don’t eat meat, does not mean you would hope they take a bullet on the way to the grocery store.

I happen to live in a very pretty part of the country, Florida even though I was born in New York and the lifestyle of New York will always be a part of me, Florida has grown on me in many ways. Just the beautiful birds I see regularly. The way Palm Trees wave on a windy day and the crazy Summer thunderstorms. I can’t imagine how you can be in one neighborhood and see the beauty and the next the poverty and run downess of the area.

Take my apartment complex for instance, we have a place to dispose of garbage. We don’t have to wait for pick up twice a  week. For me this is a bonus run down to the dumpster several times a day if need be. This is also a compactor so most of the time there is not an issue of it being full. Why do the people who live here throw trash on the floor? Why do they open their car door and let crap fall out and don’t bother to pick it up? Why are their fry containers sitting on the stairs. Well because the people who live here do not care. They have lost pride in the place they call home and live among people who have given up on caring.That is assuming they cared in the first place. I guess these are the same people who are slowly but surely joining this group of No Lives Matter.

In this world where it seems more and more the No Lives matter group is growing. The youth of today is not being taught that life is precious. They are not being taught to respect the differences of other people and to embrace that there is interesting things to learn from someone else who is different than yourself. They are not being taught that just because something is not going your way, does not mean you end another person’s life. Even in the big bad world of drugs, it should be simple if you have money to buy drugs , well buy them. What would make a drug dealer think that they can loan a drug addict drugs and that person is actually going to pay them back. Reality check, you lost that money! Why kill the person who did not pay you, they did not have money when they were looking for the drugs what would a few hour binge do to bring in steady income, and clearly their drug habit is already ruining their life. Why think that you want something taking it by force is the way to go? I don’t really don’t think so. When did people stop teaching their children to work hard. That if they want something they should earn it. When did hard work become something only people of the past had to do. When did this lowlife way of thinking take over. I am not sure of the particulars. I  don’t get involved in this debate over guns being legal. Criminals do not give a crap about legal so to me the fight is a waste of energy. Criminals will always have guns.

(this is the only paragraph where I added a little detail to my thought and changed a sentence or two)

I think if parents would go back to teaching their young children to love and respect themselves, to love and respect others, that would be our only chance in making progress. When people learn to work through their problems, instead of blasting the neighbor in the head with a bullet, because they stole your parking spot, or some of frivolous problem that should not result in loss of life.

I was taught to talk to people. If there is a problem try your best to talk it out. Yes, you might get punched in the face but well it’s a punch you will live through it. In life there are many many lessons to be learned. I continue to learn everyday. I spend an enormous time in the hospital. I see cops outside of kids rooms, I see gunshots victims in the pediatric area. I see abuse and I see actual disease. These are things your eyes can never forget once you see them. If every person had to spend one month living the life of someone that used to be healthy and now they took a bullet to the spine and they can no longer walk, no longer hold their urine or bowels,maybe they can no longer communicate? Then maybe they would understand that All Lives matter. The same tough guy with a gun will be reduced when experiencing the other end, the actual outcome of all those gunshots. How about a day in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. How about a few hours watching a family and a team of medical professionals try to save the life of a 1 lb baby that’s insides were born on the outside instead. Maybe then they would see just how precious life is? Or would they still go out and blast someone because maybe they had a warrant and did not feeling like dealing with whatever trouble they found themselves in previously.

People who need a gun in order to protect themselves to go to the grocery store, really don’t need protection. They are afraid to fight for themselves, as my Dad would say they are cowards. (he taught us girls never be a victim, don’t walk around like a victim and you won’t be a victim, if something bad happens it’s a bad event and we will figure out a way to deal with it) (My Dad is the Greatest!)  so they take a gun, just in case someone upsets them or frightens them they can shoot. These people don’t care about at all the other people affected by their way of being. When they shoot someone, they are not thinking how it is affecting that person’s Grandma, or best friend, or any other person that surely someone really loves that person, even if they did something to piss you(No Lives Matter-person) off.

I just watched a video from a Pastor, I think his name may have been Greg Locke? but I could not be for certain. I will share that I am not Christian. I have nothing against this religion I am just not it. I happened to agree with about 95% of what he had to say. He started it with exactly what I am writing about and it was so random that I saw this video. I was scrolling through Facebook hanging out with my Brother In Law we were chatting and we started talking about the recent shooting, truthfully I still had and have no clue as to what actually transpired. I did however, have this conversation. I told him I am writing an article about just that. He said watch this video I put up. So I started it and stopped right away to show him where I was so far, to show him I am on the exact same page as this guy, how random and cool is that. On the other hand it should be on the minds of everyone.

Our country is mixed up of all kinds. We are simply Americans. Until we give up being hyphenated Americans this will not change. Funny I will tell you what my family is made up of and I will not , do not and will not ever change them nor refer to them as anything other than family and Americans. So basically my heritage is European, My father’s side is mostly Hungarian, My Mother’s side Russian and Polish. My first husband’s Father, I am almost certain was From the Bahama’s but I could be wrong it is an island though for sure. His mother’s was West Indian and I am almost certain her family may have been Mexican. I don’t know the exacts but my parents were born in the United States, His parents were born here also, some of my Grandparents were born here the others came here in the early 1900’s. I am pretty sure the same for him. My second Husband was half Puerto Rican and half Italian. His mother was from Puerto Rico, not sure about her parents. His Father was born here and don’t know anything about his parents. So we have white,black, spanish and mixed, family members. My nephew’s father is from Russia came to the United States in the 90’s. I know my family is mixed up. If I start throwing in religions you will see just how mixed up we truly are. We have Jewish, Catholic, Christian, Jehovah’s Witness, Atheists and probably more that I don’t know about.

Truly we are all Americans. We don’t talk about white Aunt so and so or Black Uncle so and so, We don’t mention any of it unless we are trying to actually describe someone to someone else who does not know us. We are not hyphenated Americans. Our white side does not refer to themselves as European-American, Jewish-American, Russian-American. We are simply Americans. Our Black side does not refer to themselves as African-Americans, They don’t refer to themselves as Christian-Americans they are simply Americans. Our families had nothing in common until I brought us together. Divorced, 17 years passed and we are still family. We still talk to each other and refer each other as family. My second husband’s family is different. They don’t mention their Italian side very often, they don’t refer to themselves as anything other than Puerto Rican.Some of them do have American pride but not all of them. I always used to tell my husband you were born here you are an American. Have you been to Puerto Rico(yes when he was 2 or 3) not enough, you were born and raised here. You are an American. Yes his family came here more recently so maybe that is why they are more that way. I am not really sure. I don’t raise our daughter that way. She is American. All three of my children are mixed in some way. My two oldest are from my first husband and my youngest is from my second. Just because they are mixed does not change the fact that they are American.

I fuss with my oldest daughter all the time because she always wants to tell me something about White People, Always bringing up race cards that to me don’t exist(logically I know they exist I just choose not to let it be part of my world). If you choose to allow this to exist in your world that is your business but not in my home. I know we have differences. That is what makes the world not so boring. We are all different, even with all of our similarities. Reality is we all bleed the same. We all shit the same and we all breathe the same. There maybe be other issues that we face. I know a Black man will face certain things in his lifetime that will be specific to his struggle. I know a Jewish man will too face certain thing in his lifetime that will be specific to his struggle and so on, we could go through every nationality and religion and find these specific struggles to that ethnicity.  That is not supposed to separate people, if anything it should bring them together. This battle of separating ourselves from one another due to races and religion is pure foolishness.I will admit it is reasonable if you went to another country, you would try to find people that were similar to yourself to maybe you would not stand out or you would find some comfort zone. But in today’s age that is more of a problem than a solution. Don’t most of your religions preach peace? Don’t most Pastors, and Priests and Rabbis , etc, teach peace. Do they not teach you the 10 commandments? As far as I know religion is supposed to be a moral compass. It is supposed to guide you into spirituality and guide you to follow the laws of the land.  We are not supposed to lie, cheat, steal and murder. Ending another’s life should never be our call. I was brought into this world with only one certainty and that is I will die. I started the process of dying the moment I came into this world. Who gives another a right to decide when that process ends for me or you for that matter.

I could only hope and dream that people start teaching their children to respect one another. Teach them to work through problems. Teach them that although we all have differences there is something worth knowing about in all people. Me, being the person who forever finds good in people even when they are bad, still finds a way to teach it to my children. They argue with people just like anyone else but they never resort to any violence unless that was their last resort.If they have to resort to fighting then I expect they don’t stay hit, but I surely teach them to use their brains first. I know I can only teach my children but so much. I know that the older they get the more they will have to make these decisions about life and people on their own. I only hope the things I tried to instill worked. I stop them when they try to bring up race card, unless of course they are telling a story and that is the only way to describe. I am one with a crazy sense of humor so surely my children tell stories as crazy as I do.  My children can tell me anything and everything but they have learned what I won’t listen too, I can’t stand hearing racial type comments from my children you can’t allow it from your children or they will become more of the problem. I tell them you can’t listen to some politician to say Make America Great you have to be proud to be an American and you have to make it great. Until then I can only hope that will people will not only jump on the bandwagon( and actually do something not just on social media)and start living a life where- All Lives Matter!

This article has been edited. A comment made me self-conscious so I made a little change in wording and hope it reads better and more to the point- If you read my blog you already know focus is not my strong point!

Oh No, We are on the final season….

My youngest daughter and I spend a lot of time watching tv together. We choose different series, some based on suggestions from other family members and some just because we decide we like them. My son is a teenager, that equates to whatever we choose he says eww and won’t watch. He misses out on the girly stuff but we do find plenty to watch together. Having a child with special needs, sometimes we have to just stay home. We can go out and do things just like anyone else but we must take more precaution. We also have to go based on weather, and how she is actually feeling by the day. Long term weeks ahead plans are hard to make and when we do sometimes we have to disappoint. I believe the people who know us get it. If they don’t they should.

So now we have been faithfully watching the Gilmore Girls. When we realized that the theme song was an irritant to my son we said, fun fun fun we will love and sing this song. We thought at some point he would find it catchy and maybe come watch an episode or two. We were wrong. We are now on the final season and he has not watched one. Oh well as they say , actually his loss as I think he would quickly develop a crush on Rory as she is very smart and pretty. He is a really smart kid so that would probably be a crush factor.

Now that we are on the final season I will have to say I have really loved this show. I see a bit of myself in Loralei and I adore the relationship she has with her daughter. I loved seeing how her tarnished relationship with her parents changed over time and got better. I could never live in a small town like that, but I would so love to visit every now and again. The people who live there are always involved in something. Being a huge Supernatural fan, I was always hoping Dean would be back and sweep Rory off her feet. Truth is I think now that I am approaching the end. I don’t hate Logan and I really liked Jess. At first I hated Jess because I wanted her with Dean. Funny how we love an actor from another character and then we just – well want what we want.

I wanted Loralei and Luke to work out but somehow I figured she would wind up with Christopher. Hopefully by tonight or tomorrow we will get to the end. I am sure I will cry , because I hate endings but I suspect it will be good as everyone seems to love that show. I am looking forward to Netflix bringing it back for a miniseries, or whatever they are calling it.

I am so glad I have found some good shows to enjoy. I spent so much on cable over the years and never really watched anything but my soaps and sports. Now I only have Netflix and Hulu and I find so many programs I have to decide what I will watch in what order so that I don’t dedicate my entire life to tv watching. I do need to find some time to work, and take care of my house and kids. Ahh the life of a work from home, homeschooling recently widowed person. I think it is all working itself out just the way it is supposed to.