Adding a few more worries!

This week is moving week. I have been packing for days and although I am almost done, there is still plenty of work to do.

I have not been looking forward to this move as I am putting my stuff in storage and staying with my Dad. After 25 years of living on my own, I am kind of sad that I have to pack it in a move home. I have been stressed about it, but have recently decided to look at it another way.

I have decided to see the good in it. I will be able to start saving some money, I will be able to not have to worry about lack of money and I will get to spend a ton of time with my Dad. I will get to live in a very nice area of town and I will be safe and loved. (of course so will my kids)

I always felt like I did not want to burden him. I know it will be an adjustment but in the long run it is short term and I jumping from one bad rental to another bad rental is just becoming silly at this point. I do have some concerns that my dog will be a nuisance to his dog as mine is much younger and a lot more energetic. Maybe it will all surprise me and they will become buddies, I hope at least.

I have not been able to work much the past few years, due to my daughter’s chronic illness and needs and my own medical needs. My knees are shot and my anxiety and depression were taking over full force. I have since started on a new medication and it is helping me to be more focused on what is important in my life. My family. My Health, their health and so on.

My daughter’s health has been a challenge to balance since the day she was born just about 13 years ago. She has Vater Syndrome(VACTERL Syndrome) Chronic Kidney disease and a whole bunch of other health concerns.

She is currently about 1-1/2 years post Kidney Transplant. She has had a lot of challenges in the past year or so but so far her Kidney seems pretty happy. She has some  virus issues that come and go and a constant battle with urine infections due to her lack of a bladder. At the end of next month we see Urology and they will make plans for surgical intervention to try to help with these constant infections. The procedure is called a Mitrofanoff and it is a long and complicated surgery at the time they will create a bladder for her and make a passageway using her appendix to allow for proper urination. It is big, she hates thinking or talking about it but it is truly starting to become an issue that is is not done already.

Yesterday was her monthly lab day. Although she was just discharged from the hospital last week and is just now finishing her round of antibiotics it seems something else is brewing. Her labs are off, her numbers are heading in the wrong direction and she is looking at another possible admission on Friday when she goes back to have a minor procedure(stent change) and repeat labs.

We are moving on Saturday so this could not come at a more complicated time, but hey that is what we do, complicated. I feel so sad thinking that the kidney could truly be acting up, but the doc said no panicking, it is not time to panic. It is time to watch for things and time to take care of the urological issues.

I would hate to think she could go through all this and potentially lose the kidney anyway. My poor little girl should simply be getting ready to celebrate her big 13th birthday. She should be ready to finish up school for year and enjoy staying at Grandpa’s where she can actually use the community pool as it is very clean and very well supervised.

Well I guess my worry hat is on this morning, but since she is in school , luckily she is not paying any attention to me. Hopefully today will be busy and distracting so we won’t be thinking about it much and hopefully I will close my eyes and my kitchen will pack itself. Yeah, I doubt that will happen but wishful thinking. As a Charmed fan, I wish I had that powers to move crap by just saying the name of the items like Paige does.. Yes I watch way too much TV!!

Crockpot Steak

I have made a ton of things in my Crockpot over the years. I have never really tried making steak in it though. As I have stated in an earlier post I am in the middle of moving and I am trying to use up all my groceries prior to my move to make life a little easier. Also with moving cooking in my crockpot allows me to take care of other things while still making a decent dinner.

The ingredients I used were simple, easy and tasty!

Sirloin Steak

Black Pepper

Paprika

Adobo

Garlic Powder

1 can of Rotel Tomatoes with Chile Peppers(medium heat)

I turned the crockpot on at noon, I went to work came home at 6 and was the tenderest steak I ever made.

My kids are not big fans of Rice A Roni, but I like it and well I need to finish up the groceries so I make the Beef Flavor to go with the Steak, It was truly delicious and I would surely make again.

I am sure that you could use whatever cut of steak you like but I used what I had, I had originally bought it to make fajitas. But I guess I never got around to that.

Sometimes I forget that I actually enjoy cooking, Now I need to start taking good pictures of these recipes.

When my husband was alive , he used to call  me Master Mix as no matter how little food we had I always found a way to throw it together and come up with a meal. That was a very long time ago and have gotten into the routine of  the What do you want for dinner game? which I actually don’t like at all. I ask my Daughter, I ask my son they will usually disagree on whatever the other on says and I will get mad and make a pot of pasta, he loves meat sauce, she hates the consistency and only wants pasta with meatballs. Kids they are always going to keep it interesting.

Happy Crockpotting!

A wish for today…

 

My wish for today is that everyone take one second to be thankful to that Mom, Dad, Grandparent, Aunt , Uncle, Teacher, or whomever taught them to cope with things. To learn to accept life on life’s terms to be good to one another. In the end of life the only that will be said at a funeral (what your legacy is) is the kind of person you are. No one is saying wow they had an awesome stove and what a lovely yard they had. Do you know how many great jobs they had. What will be said was how you treated others , how you impacted others and the type of way of living you lived. So make your legacy one to proud of.

In my 25 years as an adult, I have learned so much. I used to think working all day and being able to buy things was the most important. Then I started having kids and I learned loving and caring for them and teaching them is most important. Then my youngest was born with VATER(VACTERL) Syndrome and I learned even more about life. I learned how to be a caregiver, and advocate for her health and so so much more. I have an honorary nursing degree as I fondly call it. I could go on and on about our experiences and sometimes I do but today I am just thankful to have learned the importance of simply being there. The importance of listening and the importance of hearing what you are listening to. The other day my daughter was having a rough time, she is noticing that all of her peers are so much taller than her. She is realizing that the medicines she must take make her face puffy and there is not much she could do about that and it is giving her some self doubt. I believe that is pretty typical type emotions for one turning the big 13 in 2 weeks.

She was telling me her concerns and I tried to respond with a joke. I thought perhaps it would lighten her mood and distract what was bothering her. Joking and laughing is one of my coping mechanisms. I would rather laugh than cry although sometimes inside I am crying while others see me laughing. It works not always but a good part of the time anyway. This time it did not work, she said Mom you are a clown always laughing but I don’t find this funny, I am feeling like and she explained herself. I immediately told her she can tell me anything and I will hear her out and try to find a way to make her feel better and if I can’t than well I can’t but at least she can get it off her chest. I let her rant for a good ten minutes and then I told her that somethings in life we have control over and others we do not. The things we can control we should and sadly sometimes we must accept the things we can’t and if there is a way to make those things a little better, we should at least try. This seemed to help on this particular conversation. I was proud of myself for knowing I had to turn off my coping mechanism and hear out hers. Had someone along the line not teach this to me maybe our lives would be even more of a mess than they already are. That night she hugged me tight before bed and said she is kind of glad she is small so she can still snuggle with me.

If that is my only legacy in life was that I loved and was loved, truly that will be sufficient!

 

Hard to believe this is even me…

I have not written in a while. I have kind of been in a funk. I have a lot of emotions running through me and I am not sure where they will go and what I will be able to do to control the events that will follow.

I have always prided myself on taking care of myself. I have believed that somehow someway things will work out. I have believed that at the last moment something will come through and I will figure it out.

I am wrong. I am 3 -1/2 weeks away from actually being homeless. I have never thought that life would bring me here , but well here I am.

I have worked since I was 13 years old. I was never one to sit on my butt and do nothing, I was always the one who went out and found a way. Now it has been several years since I have had a real job, one I could count on , one that could count on me.

My daughter’s health has a lot to do with it. She is complicated at best, and she requires a ton of medical intervention. Appointments, surgeries, medications, treatments and so on. In addition to that she needs to be a normal kid, school, fun, life activities. I also have my teenage son home still in homeschooling, and my oldest who is on her own now.

I have tons of medical issues myself, I have tummy troubles. both knees need replacing, high blood pressure, weight issues and I have been fighting with depression and anxiety my entire adult life. With all these issues and my daughter’s issues finding work has been near impossible. I have tried at home jobs on the phone but they require mandatory times or good internet or other issues that I am not able to accomplish, not at lack of trying though. I have tried cashier jobs as they are more flexible timing, but standing for long periods of time cause my knee pain to be intolerable.

I have managed to maintain my residence, by living off my daughter’s SSI which is under 700 a month and my ex-husband was paying child support, which he did not do for the first 15 years after divorce, recently he found himself in jail and the checks stopped coming about 2 months ago. This has forced me to not be able to pay the bills at all , therefore rendering us homeless. My Dad has agreed to let us stay with him while we figure it all out, so at least we will be safe and loved, but it does not change the fact that it screws with my emotions. I have reached out to every organization only to be turned away each and every time.

I find it crazy that in a situation such as mine there is no help available. Housing has had a closed list for 8 years with no chance of getting in for at least 5 more years, I did not ask for my daughter to have all these health issues, nor did I ask her Dad to die from brain cancer, The only thing I could have done better was save years ago when I was working. I did not know where life would take me and I was under the impression that I would find a way.

I find myself fighting my depression with the help of medication but all I really want to do is climb in my bed and stay there for ever. I don’t, I get up I take care of my kids, I take care of meds and appointments. When my daughter is hospitalized I stay with her and go back and forth and check on my son. I make jokes and entertain her and all the kids like I am alive, like I am happy like I am not the mess I feel inside.

I don’t know what the near future will hold for us, but I do know that somehow someway I will find a way to not let it get the best of me.