Aside

I knew I was in pain , I didn’t know I was Broken

This is not me in the photo nor is the photo mine-it was taken out of the stock photos for free 🫢

These past few weeks sure have been a learning experience for me. A painful one at that. I can’t exactly explain for sure what is going on with me , but I get it mostly.

Back in October I fund a lump in my breast. I knew it was different than anything I had felt before. I decided that the fastest way I was going to get a mammogram done was going to tell my Rheumatologist. My Rheumatologist is my doctor who is able to get things done fastest. I also already had an appointment set for mid November.

I had known I was not running on 100, I had the lump and I know of my Rheumatoid issues, I wasn’t terribly surprised when my kids got a cold just before Thanksgiving and I wound up with a killer cough lasted like 8 -9 weeks. However I saw my Doc , she felt lump, got mammogram set up and we had hoped to get it all done before the year was out , but holidays got in the way and we didn’t get to Biopsy my lump until end of January. As this time was passing I thought I was always tired mostly from that cough.

One day I was cleaning the house and went out to my front porch to toss the trash. Something I do so regularly. Why this time my foot didn’t follow proper? Did my Sandel get stuck on something ? Was I one foot faster than the other? I have no clue , but the next thing I knew I was on the concrete , on my side my ribs my hip! 😖

I was really bruised and for sure my ribs were cracked. I did nothing but ice and sleep and take pain medicine. Back n for Tylenol/Ibuprofen and it hurt and it healed. I was able to get around and I was semi tolerable to the pain. I had things to do and I was able to get them done.

Finally it was time for my Lumpectomy surgery, at this time they did a lymph node study to see if cancer spread, from that test, it appeared that it did not spread. Well test was only as accurate as a test can be.

Fast forward a few weeks. I heal from my surgery. I am getting ready to start chemotherapy. My body is hurting more each day.my back, legs. But now it’s bad. My hip was hurting and hurting and then I couldn’t put pressure on my leg. I kept stretching, I was thinking that this was going to make whatever in my back that was popped out-push back in. I was stretching and heard a loud pop and my ribs started hurting all over again.

The morning , I was to start chemotherapy I was in such bad shape, they sent me to the Emergency room instead. I spent the whole day and night there test after test and x rays and ct scans mris bone scans – you name it . They ran it . I didn’t get all results same days.

I spent the next 14 days inpatient. I had two surgeries, one Kriroplasty and one hip replacement. They can fix the ribs. So my cancer spread to my back. Is not operable there. Cancer made all that weak. Broke my Femur, my L4 a couple ribs L4 and L5 were crushed I think I will get good documents when I go for follow up. The hospital tells you about a million things.

I have been home now for a few days and I don’t yet have the needs to get my self comfortable, I know I have appointments later this week. I hope that I can drive myself. If I can’t I need to remind myself it takes time to heal. But boy I never would have guessed how quick , cancer could spread and cause all this grief. I am pretty strong. I just have to adjust to the pain and try to get insurance to pay for pain medication.

If you think 💭 hmm 🤔 maybe I broke my back? Possibly you did . Not a bad idea to go to the hospital….

I wish I would had gone sooner… oops 😬 says stubborn woman!

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Hard to just say.

These past few weeks, have been a lot to take in. I knew I was starting chemotherapy. I knew I was going into it, feeling way too much pain. My back was getting weaker and I was losing my ability to walk.

The morning of my treatment, my peeps, in the Cancer center sent me to the Emergency Room instead. I know that I was in excruciating pain, but I did not know the extent of damage to my health. The cancer spread all over my back, I had broken 🦴 femur, fractured L-4 , fractured hip, and ribs. Most of this was from the cancer although a small part probably started when a fell 2 months back. I had healed. So the stress fractures are more the issue.

I now have some cement in my spine and a half a new hip. At some point, some of the pain will subside. I am looking forward to that. A big part of what is on my mind, is I guess random.

It is obvious if I want to live , I should do everything in my power to live a healthy life. However , what proof of this makes anything to benefit me. Actually none, however I will take the odds, I will stick positive and try really hard to not be my own problem. But one thing I’m not doing… dwelling .. I do way to much of it. Anxiety going to make that happen … I am not running this entire crazy train. I am driving though

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Recipes That Actually Turned Out Well: Focaccia

Everyday, I get on Tik Tok, and everyday, I see someone make focaccia. And every time, I think, I would really like to try that. It took me a couple …

Recipes That Actually Turned Out Well: Focaccia

I haven’t tried this yet, but when I have a chance to I will. And I will be sure to Thank, the original author of this , just like she did.

The original author is Jamie Lyn. I have had a chance to look at her page now and I know I have lots of reading to do. You should do the same.

Apparently a lot of people find all kind of stuff on tik tok. I have t reall caught on. I guess I will have to spend some time there. Hmm . I’ll give it some thought.

Resin Crafting

Just about two years ago, my youngest daughter came to me and said Mom I want to show you some thing I think you would like. We went online and she showed me some ashtrays. I was very impressed with how cute and how different they would come out.

I started looking into, what it takes to do Resin art. How much time, energy and expense will it be just to try. We have been doing all kind of arts and crafts always. This is something we have done to keep busy for as long as my kids would ever be able to remember. My youngest grew up in the hospital. She has chronic medical conditions that caused many hospitalizations. We also always had tons of long appointments. I didn’t want them to grow up stuck in the TV , computer , phone life. I made a point of always doing arts and crafts. Don’t get me wrong they had plenty of the tv, and all that too.

Some of the things I have learned about Resin art is that yes it can become very expensive . I will list some items you will need if you want to make good products. I found out that it is actually not hard to learn how to do. What is hard is learning your exact resin mixes. Learning temperature changes. Resin needs to cure so if the room is too hot or cold, humid you may not get good results. I found out lots of little tricks with saving my Molds to not get destroyed. Yes mold spray is worth the $ 5 bucks – saves your molds!

There are so many things that can make a difference in how your finished piece will come out. Different molds, will decide if will be shiny or dull. Different resins and paints also. Alcohol inks are the best colorings to use -hands down.

That was just a tiny bit of things I learned about Resin art. Learning to design your products must come from your own creative mind. If you don’t feel you have one there are so many people on the internet you can always look to those for inspiration. I started with ashtrays and jewelry boxes, but now we make all kind of things.

I found out that I enjoy this as a hobby, but I can also turn it into a small business if I become creative enough. There are plenty of products there I know are marketable. I really just have to put the time and energy into it.

I will share more on this subject from time to time and possibly do some videos of us making some pieces. I think to really get a good idea how the process works I need to put together a more detailed article, either diagrams, with photos or videos. Resins can mis different and you always want to get a nice clear finish with as minimal bubbles as possible. I have learned to use a candle lighter for this. They sell all kind of heating lamps for this. The lighter works just as good, you just need to be careful, like any other project.

If you are thinking about trying Resin Art , look online first just for for some tips, before you spend too much on supplies and I think anyone should be able to have fun and make nice projects.

If you would like to ask me any questions- please feel free to comment below and I would be happy to help or answer to the best of my abilities: that is truly what I look forward to conversation!

This morning I received the call I have been dreading from the Cancer center. This was the call the set up my Chemotherapy. I have known for days that this would be coming any day. Just because I knew it didn’t make hearing it any easier.

I choose the photos above because in both of them I felt great. The one with with sunglasses with just about 7-8 months ago, I was going to meet a friend for lunch. Needless to say, I got lost. I sent her terrible directions. She also got lost. We never had lunch. But we did finally find each other for a quick catch up near the water. No we couldn’t even find the little beach (strange little area we picked) .

The next was an the day before Thanksgiving and we were in Orlando, in Disney Springs. Just walking around enjoying the cool air. Honestly I miss the simple days of going for a walk. In the past three months I have managed to fall and twist my back and fracture a rib. Have my Lumpectomy surgery and then as soon as I started to heal from that I pulled out my whole lower back and hip. I haven’t been able to do anything for myself for about 3 weeks. Never mind the intense pain.

I choose the sunset because I like it. Reminds me of beautiful days when I am out and about , observing. It reminds me of the beauty of the place I call home. The place where I am surrounded by beautiful beaches I never make it too. I do miss going . I need to change that.

I am hoping to stop injuring my self , so I can start working toward, being healthy during chemo, it doesn’t look like I have too much time to get there, but I have a week. Every day I have been stretching and pushing myself even though it has been in the bed, or with the side of the bed. I know I have managed to push the joint that was knocked out back in, I can tell because before I couldn’t put any weight on my left leg at all. Now I can put weight on it, I will admit it’s not fun, but it’s doable. Doable means it’s on the mend, I am not the kind of person to just let something keep me in bed. Once I can get going, I’m going.

I’m hoping this leads me on a better path physically and emotionally. The same for my kids, even though they are young adults they still need to see me fight.

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The future of this blog

My plans , like any change. Originally this started years and years ago just as a place for me to just write, I would write about anything. I really don’t actually plant to change that part.

The part I want to change it , I want to be more interactive. I want to talk to other people – I want feedback ! I want people to talk to me ! Get involved be part ,

See I am one of the most open minded people I know on most subjects. I am willingly open to talk, listen hear, and try to understand things. I feel it broadens my horizons and allows me to keep my my sharp.

As, I get older, (50) I am realizing that I stopped doing some of the times that keep my mind sharp. These past 3 years have shown me a lot of things. One of them is that when the chips are down, if you don’t pull yourself up, no-one will do it for you. Friends are abundant in our youth. As we get older responsibilities replace that time we have for endless parties and friends. We mean well but life happens. Two weeks turns into 5 years and your like , I have no clue how that happened. The reality is you maybe lost a parent or two, maybe a job. Who knows maybe you got remarried. Whatever life did to distract you, the only options are to attempt re-opening doors. The other options are staying alone. That is isolating, and likely to turn to depression.

The reason I have mentioned the above is because , I want to take this blog to a place where my stories are a place for me to share my experiences and or talk about stuff that interest me. Hoping people will talk, share and be honest. No judgement, no negativity-just a nice place to feel like you can share your experience if it pertains. And a place where I can talk freely about different things.

I believe in being totally real, although sometimes , like anyone one else, I have no clue how to go about something. So I am hoping that this will open doors for communication and when those awkward moments come up and I just need to write it out – hoping my readers will be there with great real solutions too.

Nothing but attempts at Good Vibes Honest stories funny things I care to share about my world or just things that I have been experiencing.

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Oops= 2 blogs or 2 Word Presses

I have managed to wind up with to Word Press accounts. They seem to want to be connected, however not really, I guess I am not familiar enough with this program to have realized that when I had taken a very long break from writing, somehow when I restarted, um – oops clearly I was not paying that much attention.

Now I am going to have to figure out if I can merge these two together somehow so all my old stories/articles can stay with my new ones, or if well they will wind up two separate entities because my scattered brain won’t be able to figure it out. Hmm let’s see.

I knew that it had been a very long time in between log on’s. I am famous for losing passwords. I can get them wrong even when they are correct, when they are my face. My iPad will swear the password is wrong when I know for fact I wrote it down 5 minutes before. I think it might be a giant game to keep me occupied? As if as person could be that bored.

Truth being told, I no longer no my way around this site like I used to. I barely know my way around computers anymore. I’m am guessing that there must be a help center that can guide me should I not be able to figure it all out? If it truly becomes that difficult for me , I will just set them up as old and new and move on. Is that what you would do? Follow one to the other and I can make mention of it.

I am thinking that will be my best route , providing I do not figure out how to merge the two together and make them look proper. I may find them both, but then have both passwords at the exact same time. Be able to access both accounts simultaneously =merge together, Ahh I am hoping this is something I soon have a story. A big headline.

A front page news.

Big bold letters will be be used for Affect.

That was just to show when , writing a blog it does not need to be so, uh em , you say proper. I can drop in my Bold , if I want to. I can also choose colors, and highlights. I know that there are many options I can choose from to prove my point that I am only trying to draw attention to the fact that I have either fixed the issue and I’m now informing my people that my Blog name has changed because of my 2 Blog issue and I had to merge. The other scenario would be I couldn’t figure it out and I now have two blogs so I can show people both ? Promote both? Or just always share one with the other … I don’t know yet , but I will figure it out…

Maybe I’ll just go for a new name –

What do you think – Let’s Dish…. We can talk about everything?

Or Lisa’s talk time- talk about everything and anything. Talking chatting expressing that’s what’s I’m sayin. Or Just sayin.. I don’t know yet but something like that seems to be in my head . Some whatever comes off the tips of my fingers once I figure it all out.

Hmm

Blog mouths . Did I make that up? Yeah maybe that will be me Blog-Mouths . My Mom , whom I miss so very much , used to nickname me motormouth. She used to say I’ll die if I couldn’t talk. My first born is the same , except she is much more going to explode if she can’t speak when she needs to. Funny how that works out. I am thinking on this name. My middle sister used to cry to my mother, Mommy please can’t you shut her up. Please shut her up. Because I liked to talk. I told them if them would have just listen, or answer me, I would have left them alone( I know this is not true) I was very ADHD – back then unheard of. I was just hyper and well , I needed to get out a lot of energy. Times have changed. I was like a broken phonograph needle , blah blah blah to them. To me I knew I was saying something. So Blabber mouth no, I was not a snitch or that I just liked to chat.

It’s was the Adhd, even now , I tend to go of course. I get a little lot in topic if allowed. I could easily be a giant Run-on sentence. It happens. I tend to write like I talk, fast before I forget what I need to say. Writing us a much better medium. I can take time, recheck, go back to, publish when ready.

How trusting are you?

Over the years I have had a lot of reasons not to trust people. For some reason people like to lie. However, I usually believe people until they give me a reason not to.

Now that I recently turned the big 50. I have done a ton of reflecting. On myself, my past thoughts,actions, my future . The conclusion I come to is that I have been far too trusting.

This statement is lame,as we all can say it at one time or another . I am referring to myself on a whole. To trusting for no reason.

Since a small child I have been shown that people are not always what they seem. From little boys being completely inappropriate far to young., to little girls being way to mean just because they understood how to be. For what ever reason , I am what my oldest calls a “People Pleaser”. I like seeing the people around me happy. My family first , but I have been known to neglect myself over my kids . I feel that isn’t not uncommon among Parents.

Over the years I never seemed to learn solid strong boundaries. Easily a marshmallow when it comes to many things. I don’t always think it’s bad. I also don’t always think it’s good.

I find myself trusting people, anyone, everyone until they give me true reason not to. So they must exhibit some from of betrayal before I won’t just trust. This has led me down so many dark roads, or I should say paths. I still find myself trusting.

I will believe the simple lie, I know it’s a lie. I see it. But I wait for the betrayal anyway. Somehow like I am determined to see my self fooled. I could just be having such hopes that if I keep doing it one day , the blessings will come back to me? In a weird balance of life? An even out of the past 45 years of roller coaster rides. Some have been some real thrillers.

Now , I trust Dt.s again. This time for me. Poison, Chemotherapy ok so I will trust . But will I be betrayed again. Will this be awful.

Will I be so ugly if my hair falls out? Will I be able to take care of me? Who will? My kids? They barely can take care of them, or each other. Of course I will trust , because that is what I do.

Some people are huge on religion and discussing their beliefs. The constant need to talk . I have an unconditional faith that I believe. That I know I am thankful for every single thing I have. This may not have always been obvious to me. I now know, I have always had unconditional faith that I will be ok. I know by the way I do things. The way I automatically plan for the next day, even after the day I am having might be a disaster.

So I am wondering, how trusting are you?

I ask the question, truth is I may trust. But that does not mean I will share my information. Or my secrets, my trust is in believing to let you in.

So I have the big “C”

A few months ago I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I couldn’t believe I really had The “Big C” . I remember joking with my older sisters, I have two of them, about that when I had my very first mammogram a few years ago. I had never had one and since I am very large breasted they needed to do a compression mammogram, my very first time out.

Of course in my head I was freaking out, that was the reason for all the teasing and convincing them I way back then was sure I’m dying , I would dramatically state. That was about 5 years ago and I was healthier then. I didn’t know how healthy I was. But I was much heavier than I am now, I couldn’t get my much needed knee surgeries and I felt awful.

I still have yet to get those knee surgeries, however I have lost a ton of weight and that has helped a lot, I still have a bit to go but as I am very happy with my progress I take the slow road, I know that I have make real lifestyle changes, this is what will matter in the long run.

Fast forward to now, I felt a lump around 5 months ago. At first I thought it was nothing and would go away, after 2-3 weeks this starts actually getting bigger. I realize that everything I have read leads me to believe this could be cancer. So I use my past knowledge and decide I better tell my best dr. Which is my rheumatologist. She right away sent me for a mammogram, they sent me for a biopsy, they sent me for an MRI and right away I was diagnosed with Invasive ductal carcinoma, Stage 2 . I guess for me some parts of the Pathology are good and bad considering. The good was that it’s all treatable and curable. The bad is it’s aggressive and likely to come back.

I was fortunate to be seen by a great team and was scheduled for surgery with in just a few weeks from diagnosis. By the time I was healing up and getting my appointments with Oncology and Radiology the tests were starting to come back for the doctors to be able to give me some accurate statistics to go by.

My options are really clear, if I don’t do the Chemotherapy and radiation this cancer will likely come back very quickly. If I do them I will most likely beat all the cancer I currently have and knock down reoccurrence 90%.

Looks like the odds are basically laid out for me. Being no-one wishes to do this kind of stuff, I will say I am not really too happy about it either. The doctor said it shouldn’t be too bad though. Just 4 cycles of Chemotherapy and then I think 3 weeks of Radiation.

I know lots of people of who have handles much more, I know that I just need to stay as Positive as I can. I need to hope to get through it quickly and maybe I will get lucky and not wind up a bald headed chick. But if that happens then well I guess I will cut it off buy a cute wig or two and rock that ?

I think that losing my hair -as vain as it sounds might be one of the things I am concerned with the most. I feel like I have had long hair a very long time. I don’t know if I hide behind it because I have been up and down with my weight for most of my life and I have serious anxiety issues . Somehow between the two I think like anything we all hide behind something. I hide behind my hair , just a little bit.

This is the beginning of my journey.

I will be starting Chemotherapy this upcoming week after some bones scans to ensure no spreading of the cancer.

I hope to have people come along this journey with me , since I have decided I am going to blog about it. A way to share my experiences, a way to attempt to stay positive. A way to see what it is like for me at 50 with everything I have already been through, to now kick Cancers ass.

Well cancer looks like I’ll be training on the regular so I hope you know who you are messing with cause this crazy chick isn’t going down with out a knock ‘em drag out…

So let the games begin….

A Restart – maybe I should call it

This is my old blog I am not much of a blogger , however I do have a thing for writing. I left it for a while. I was well what some people call it “in a place” -I am working on coming out of it. So I decided I would start writing again.

Part of my stop was a computer thing. Part was a living situation, part was life. I will talk more, but I started with this here. And then I was like this is old. I want to start fresh. So I grabbed my iPad and tried to log on to this account-couldn’t get in for anything.

I started a new account paid for the little cheap one- of course last time I was on a computer-now on my iPad it looks different-can’t find out account-I get what I call Duh syndrome and can’t figure out and I give up for a few days.Going back to it I find I don’t know how to merge together the accounts. I know with some patience and determination I will figure it out. So soon I will be starting up something new- adding on more things – perhaps bringing in my actual life, business that I have been working on for years and see what ventures next. I have things I certainly want to get going and I recall this being a great tool . So I hope to re-meet some old friends, make some new and get my head back to the grind.

The real story of Rat Tail and Scar…..

Chapter 1

How in the world did I get here? Did I go to a party? I really can’t remember. I recall I was eating a really good dinner and had lots of water and now all I see around me is emptiness. Have I crossed over? It can’t be, I can see things moving, I can smell the air. I saw a rat or maybe it was a cat I couldn’t tell it was too far.

I looked down and I realized I was tied to a pole with a very large chain and I could barely move. I looked down at my body and all I saw was fleas jumping off my very very wrinkled skin. When did I become a Sharpei? I am a Pitbull! What maybe I did cross over. This is very confusing! I started focusing really hard and saw the steady drip of water that came from somewhere I don’t know but I think I am in a really large empty room. Light trickles in and from time to time I see some humans that kind of look like me. Lost and afraid and really hungry. There was this one human who gave me some of his food, It kind of tasted like what I imagine Cat food to taste like, but he was kind and shared. He never came back. I guess sharing wasn’t his thing.

Time was passing and I did not remember why I was there, but I must have done something really bad to be tied to this pole for so long. I don’t remember the last time I ate or walked around and I have been sleeping right next to my pee, this was really yucky and I wished I could get off this chain. I pulled and pulled and all it did was hurt my neck and make me sleepy. I guess I sleep all the time as I don’t have a schedule, no one comes to play with me or feed me or take me for walks. I think my human must have crossed over as I can’t smell him anywhere. Of course I cant go anywhere to try to smell him.

One day I hear a lot of noise and the next thing I know, these big car like things start bringing in a lot of junk into my room, boxes and lamps and all kinds of stuff. I tried to call out but no one heard me. Time started passing and I was still all alone. Each day more and more stuff would come in but no one saw me.

One morning or I think it was morning, a lot of light came in my room. Doors were open. I did not even know my room had doors. I heard voices. I started to think maybe now I have crossed over. Light and voices but no one ever sees me.

Then it happened two very beautiful voices came over to me and said “hey Buddy are you all right?” I stood up with all my might and I cried out No, Help me! I am supposed to be a Pit and look at me, I am a damn Sharpei. I have more wrinkles than I can count.

I am hungry and my human never came for me. I have been tied here for a very long time and I am hungry and I don’t feel good. The two nice voices went and got me a blanket and food and water. One stayed with me while the other one went somewhere. I found out later that she went to get big tool thing to cut me off that rope. Wow! it feels good to be off that thing. I can move and I forgot how much I like humans. Some of them are so nice.

The next thing I knew I was in a car. I love the car it is so much fun. They took me to the doctors, as a matter of fact they took me to a lot of doctors and they introduced me to a whole big family. The doctors kept saying this guy is not well, but I knew I just needed some food, and a few baths and to get rid of these fleas. Some of the fleas were always teasing me telling me that they are the boss of me, but my new friends gave me a yucky tasting pill and the next thing I knew all of the fleas were gone. Even the mean ones that not only bit me, but teased me too.

I am kind of confused as to why everyone has the same two names, they are either Mommy or Daddy and sometimes there are a bunch of Mommy and Daddies, but I don’t care because they now call me Mikey. I like that name. It makes feel like I have a family again. I started going to the doctor a lot.

I got this awesome tent to live in while I was healing up. I thought my new friends were going to be my family but they were just letting me stay with them while I healed.

One day my friend said to me, time to go to your new home. I was so excited, I peed on the neighbor dog(he was not that nice and since we were not going to be neighbors anymore, I knew it was going to be okay)

I went on an awesome car ride, and I brought my new tent and blankets and bowls and toys and I knew that my life was going to be better and better. At first it took some used to getting my new Mommy and Daddy to understand when I wanted to eat and go out. I would hear my Dad say I don’t understand Dog, what are you trying to tell me Mikey. Do you want to go out? Do you want to eat. It took a little time to figure out who was going to do what, but after some time we all figured it out.

When I need to do my business, I just stare at them and put one ear up. That means now and if they don’t listen I do my funny bark, it sounds like a-wow wow rue! That means I can’t really wait anymore so now is a really good time to go for a walk.

When I am hungry I give them a different stare and then I just keep staring until they ask me if I am hungry then I wag my tail and they know.

A few weeks passed and I saw my friend who found me in that horrible room, and I saw all those nice people who visited me in the doctors office. I figured out they were family of my new parents. They are all really nice to me and I hear them talking about how much better I look. The only thing is sometimes they call me Rat Tail, I think that might be mean but when they say it they always pet me and say it will grow back boy, so maybe it is just an observation.

My new Mommy is easy to boss around. If she does not pay attention to me, I sit by her bed and rattle my tags, if that does not work I tap my paw nails on her floor. I think I could probably have been a famous tap dancer, had I not been locked away in that place.

Laa Daa tap tap tap,, La La Daa tap tap tap…….

Chapter 2

One day I was playing with my brothers and sisters. I was really young. I heard my humans saying that I was the runt. I didn’t know what that meant. I though I was King of the yard. I knew how to go outside to do my business and I slurped the loudest when I was drinking. Late one evening my human said come on little guy we are going for a ride. I was really excited as I did not know what a ride was, but I was the only one going with him so for sure, I knew that runt must mean I am the favorite.

We went to a store, it was really awesome. The store had dog food and cat food and fish and lizards and crickets and toys it was like a giant party. I heard my human talking to other humans but I was very busy meeting this cute little boy and girl and their human. They liked me a lot and they asked their human if they could have me. Have me does that mean I can’t go back to my brothers and sisters? Does that mean my human is just giving me away? Am I for sale? What in the world, that must mean I am a runt and they don’t keep runts?

So very confused. I was so excited I peed right there on the floor. The nice human said oh look he is so happy he is peeing. I think he would fit right in with our family. The little humans said but Dad, Mom is not going to want a puppy she said we were to go in the store get crickets and crickets only. The Dad human said oh she is a softy let’s go outside and show her this puppy and when she falls in love we will tell her he is hers.

They brought me to the car. They had a little car and it had a lot of humans in it now, The Dad human and the Mom human and there were 3 little humans. The Mom human said Oh my this is the cutest puppy I ever saw. Wow she liked me a lot she held me and pet my head and the next thing I knew they started calling me Larry.

They brought me home and I found out that I was going to have a brother, his name was Romeo and he was a lot older than me. He did not love playing and he really loved my new Dad human. They had a lizard named Gilbert and a whole bunch of birds. I thought I was on a farm or something but really it was just a regular house like the one with my real brothers and sisters.

As time past I really liked these humans. They became my family very quickly. The boy human was my best buddy. When the morning would come I would jump over the sofa and land on him to wake him up to go on the big car that took him away every morning and brought him back every afternoon. I hated when he left but it gave me time to get to know my other humans. The little one liked to sneak me out of my little house and play with me. The Dad human slept all the time. The Mom human was always busy she came and went a lot with the Dad human and the little girl human. The older girl human liked me a lot she would sit in the yard with me and my dog brother and we could run around and she would laugh all the time. This made me really happy. I had a big family and they were really nice. They taught me some neat things but they would still get mad sometimes.

I got in trouble one day for eating what they called the wall? I don’t know what that means but it tasted good and there was lots more of it so I don’t know why they were so mad. The boy human got mad at me when I ate his long worms, he said he needed them for school? What is that and why does he need worms for school. I guess they were food for his square thing he carries around.

Time started passing and I was getting bigger and bigger. I no longer had to live in my little house and I was allowed to sleep on the bed with my boy human. It was awesome, he would rub me and pet me and play with me all the time.

One day my Mom human went out with my Dad human and he never came back. I think he must have fallen asleep somewhere? I missed him a lot he was funny, but he did sleep all the time so probably one day he will wake up and come home? I think at least.

One day it was really weird Mom was crying all day long and then my brother Romeo went out and he too never came back. It was so sad, my Mom human told me that he passed over the Rainbow Bridge. I too was sad as all dogs learn about the Rainbow bridge when they are born.

Now our family was smaller. It was kind of weird now but they still took good care of me, they played all the time and fed me and walked with me to the park. I even got to go in the swing until I got too big and did not fit anymore.

One day our family moved to a new house and you would not believe but the big girl human left home. But it was really neat, she would come back with her new friend a boy human and they would sneak me human food. They would visit and bring me toys. It was really nice.

As time passed I got bigger and bigger and sometimes my Mom human and the little girl human would not be home all the time. I spent a lot of time with my boy human and he makes sure I go outside to do my business and he knows when I am hungry all the time.

My family has lots of funny names they call me but my real name is Larry. I answer to that but I also answer to hey you, yo dog and anything as long as it is my humans calling me. I know they love me so much. I am so glad I was the runt and I got to get my own human family…

Chapter 3

I went to lots of doctors and they all said the same thing. In time his hair will grow back, in time with the proper diet he will gain weight back and in time we will get these ear infections under control.

Truth is my Dad and Mom human feed me this awful food and then they try to tell me it is good. I don’t see them eating it and it does not taste good. I decide I will not eat until they find me something that at least tastes a little good. One day my Dad human comes home with a bag of something. It was canned food and he mixed it in with my dry food. Oh boy o boy that tastes good. Now I am back to eating. The doctor said my ears are getting better but my fur is taking it’s sweet time coming back in.

When My Mom and Dad human take me walks I hear the other dogs cracking jokes about me, they call me baldy back, lumpy and Rat Tail. There goes that Rat Tail again. The humans say it and the dogs. It must be true I must be the famous Rat Tail. They are not making in fun of me. They know I am a very famous dog. Rat Tail. I am the boss of this dangerous gated community in Florida. All dogs and people know to stay there distance as I run these streets. When big Mikey comes through All hail Mikey, either pet me give me a kiss or walk on the other side of the street.

Now that I finally knew the truth, I am Boss dog, Big Mike aka Rat Tail. I can demand things. When I give my humans the look they better react. I give them that eye and raised ear and they run for that leash and take me for a walk. When I give them the eye, my water bowl fills up and my food appears instantly. When I want a belly rub I just roll over and wiggle and belly rubs come out of no where.

I like being Boss. Sometimes I give those humans a wink and they take me to none other but the famous dog park. When I get there all the dogs greet me at the gate. They all say ohhh Rat tail is here. Give him space, let him in and let him take whatever tennis balls he can find. They usually chatter say good bye to you balls, Rat Tail is here.

I really like the park nice humans usually talk to my humans and ask what is wrong with me and they say nothing. They say they rescued me and that I am an old boy, I am pretty sure that means I am a very cool and famous dog, as they are all very nice to me.

For a long time I only went to the park with my Humans but one day my humans family came with their dog. I did not know they had a dog, why are they at our park and who is this wiggly guy. He is like bigger than me and very busy, Eww I hope they don’t really come in the fence, where I am ,hopefully they just needed to tell my humans something and they will leave as fast as they came…….

Chapter 4

One day my Mom human and my boy and girl human said come on Lar, let’s go meet Grandpa and Mikey at the dog park. I said what a park for dogs….Yes yes yes, I got so happy I peed right there in the doorway. Mom said I really need to control that peeing but I did not care because I heard Grandpa. Grandpa is my friend when he comes to visit he plays with me and rubs my ears in a very special way. Only a real Grandpa could rub them.

While we were driving in the car, I said hi to every car that went by. I was trying to tell them I am going to the park but most of them just looked at me and kept driving. I guess they were mad they were not going to the park.

We finally made it to the park. My boy human said I should walk around outside for a while so I would not be so excited when I get inside. I did not care what he had to say I was really excited and I got to the first gate, I went inside and I was greeting my Moms sister and this dog , He was fierce, he had a Rat Tail and I think he wanted to eat me. I growled and tried to act tough, but he growled louder and he bit me a little. I learned later that he was the famous Rat Tail and I should respect him. I also learned , you will never believe this he was my Grandpa’s dog. My Grandpa human had his own dog and his own dog is famous.

I went inside the park and found out it was a lot of fun. I get to run with out my leash. I can drink from a bucket and there are lots of other dogs and humans. There was this one dog there I think he liked me a little too much. He made me feel weird so I went closer to my humans for protection. I tried really hard to make Rat Tail be my friend, but he was very busy taking a tennis ball apart. He took that ball out with such force I knew I better be nice to him.

It was a nice day except the part when we first got to the park, and I had to growl, that made me feel mean and I am a lover not a fighter. We went home and the whole ride I kept hearing my humans talking about how they hope me and Mikey will get along. They hope we like living together and they hope I don’t get beat up too much.

Now I am really confused, I thought that was just someone we met at the park. I did not know I am moving and I did not know I have to now make friends with the Infamous Rat Tail. Geeze now I am getting a little nervous.

A few weeks past and I did not move and see anyone from the park. I decided they were just talking about maybe moving. Then it happened my Mom human came home with boxes and boxes and she was so busy she barely played with me. The boy and girl human were busy and I knew things were changing.

One day my humans said come on Larry lets go for a ride, lets go visit Grandpa. I got really excited as I like him a lot, while we were driving I was pretty excited. I started thinking about my last car ride and I realized I may have to be brave because that other dog lives with my Grandpa.

We pulled up to the house and went inside. At first I was so excited I ran to my Grandpa and well you probably know what happened next, I peed.

Grandpa said oh Larry you always pee when you get happy, you need to relax. I am also happy to see you and I am not peeing.

Then it happened, my Moms sister came in the house with non other than Mikey aka Rat Tail. I started shaking in my shoes, but then I remembered I am the runt. I am the favorite so I will stand tall and pretend like I am not scared for my life. Mikey came over and we did our dog ritual, a little butt sniffing and a little soft growling. At first I thought my cover was blown when my stupid tail started wiggling, but then I saw his tail was wiggling also.

Time started passing and we tried playing. I jumped on Mikey he jumped on me and sometimes when I walked past him he bit me. Mommy said it was a love bite, but she does not speak dog and I know for sure he wants to eat me.

Luckily we went home and all was well…

Chapter 5

Boy was I glad that annoying youngster Larry went home. My Mommy and Daddy human said I should be nice to him as he is a young guy and he was going to be staying here for a while. I was not to happy with that idea but my humans said I have to get used to it as that is what family does. Family that guy is family. Well he does have a lot of wrinkles so maybe I am part Sharpei. Well if we are going to family for I will have to let him know who is Boss Dog. I ,Sir Mikey aka Rat Tail. I am Boss Dog! I rule the roost and I for sure will make that young guy bow down to me. He will give me all toys and I will steal his bed once he get’s here.

Chapter 6

I heard my humans say its moving day. I did not see any one moving they were just watching that square thing that talks. Later that day I saw some other humans, I knew they were family humans as I see them from time to time, showed up with a few things. Then they left. Late that night they came in with that dog. I guess his name is Larry even though I think by the time I am done with him he might just have a new name, like beat up or dead. My humans reminded me to be nice.

That Larry came in my house and started wiggling. He would not stop wiggling and I thought he kind of looked like he could use one of the doctors. I think he was having a seizure or something. I remembered my humans saying be nice so I went up to him. I barked loudly. I am Mikey. I am ruler of this house you will not eat my food, you will not sleep on my couch and you can’t play with my Mom. And that is the rules, youngster.

Chapter 7

It was moving day. Lots of activity and lots of people. No one wanted to play, they all said later Larry we are busy. My human girl came in my human boys room a lot and said later we will have fun. I believed her as she really loves me. Finally my boy human said come on Larry, we are done with this house. He put my food and my bowl and my bed and my toys in the car and we piled in. Off we went and we said goodbye to our old house.

We started driving and I could see my humans were tired. I was bored had nothing to do all day so I started wiggling in the car and talking to the people in the cars next to us. No one was paying attention to me.

We pulled up and sure enough we were at my Grandpa humans house. My boy human made me walk a little bit before we went in, He knows when I get happy I have to pee. We went inside and my fears were as suspected. There he was Big Mikey. He came to me and told me the rules. I am not allowed to eat his food, no going on his couch and I am not to try to steal his Mommy human, which is my Mommy humans sister. I knew he mean business when he growled at me. I tried to stand my ground and growl back I even jumped up on him like I was tough.I really was scared but I did not want anyone to notice. I got yelled at and squirted with the water bottle and then my boy human put down my bed and told me I had to go to sleep.

I decided it was safer to sleep with my Mom human and my girl human. They were nice to me and they kept telling me it will all be okay.

The morning came and my boy human took me for a walk. Wait no dumpster? no trash on the side walk? no left over poop to sniff. I am very confused. My Grandpa human must live in a very bad neighborhood. No wonder Mikey has to be so tough , he has to protect himself here. I bet there must be scary dogs and humans here.

Chapter 8

Time started passing and it seemed like Larry was not leaving. It was not so bad. His humans are really nice to me and they can walk me when my Daddy is not feeling good or my Mommy is out. She goes out a lot and when she is gone I miss her. Her sister is Larry’s Mommy human and I kind of like those little humans she brought with her. They play with me a lot.

Larry and I try to be friends but he is a youngster and he thinks he knows everything so I have to school him from time to time. You will never believe he tried to eat my food. I had to bite him right on the nose. I made him bleed and his humans got really worried. I thought I might be in big trouble, but there were just worried about him. I started to feel bad about biting him so hard, but hey sometimes you just react.

Now

they call him Scar. The other day we were walking through the streets. When we go out together our humans always remind us Rat Tail and Scar be nice. Don’t bark and don’t jump. I listen really well. Scar not so much he likes to bark. I figured out he is just bragging about being my brother. He yells at everyone and says clear the way, Rat Tail is coming through and he needs to do his business. Give him space give him privacy and most importantly don’t mess with his new partner in crime Scar.

So now you know about Rat Tail and Scar…..

White Bear, on #LisaBurtonRadio

Entertaining Stories

Welcome to another edition of Lisa Burton Radio, I’m your host, Lisa the robot girl, and my guest today has a very important job. In America we would say he’s a stuffed animal, in other places they would refer to him as a plush toy. “Welcome to the show, White Bear.”

“Hi, Lisa. It’s a pleasure to be here. Thanks so much for choosing me to be your first stuffed animal interview!”

“Pleasure to have you. You’re best friends with someone named Angel. How did you two come to meet?”

“As far as I know, before meeting Angel, I lived always lived in a doctor’s office at Shriner’s Hospital in Tampa, Florida. I spent most of my time at the computer doing research or hanging out on a bookshelf. Lots of kids came in and out of that office, but they never paid any attention to me. One day, a…

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Everyone needs a place to call home

Although a small group of people overall are actually homeless, many are without a place to call home.

Feeling homeless and being homeless can be the same or it can be quite different.

Everyone , every person, every being ,whether they admit it or not, needs to feel there is a place that is home, that is safe, that is peaceful.

For some this so called home in a garden, or a park or in their physical house. Some find it in a religious or spiritual place or worship. Some find it in a bar and some find it on a website.

Over the past year , I personally have been working with my sister, building a website a place to share and place to learn and a place to find comfort. This website  https://whitebearsworld.com  is still in progress but it main focus is for children and their families that have a rare or chronic disease, to share their stories and learn from one another. A place to share ups and downs and a place to offer new found information(medical)

Also in this past year I have spent a good part of the year in the hospital with my daughter, who has VACTERL Syndrome. Over their year I found it impossible to work and properly care for her, my son and myself. We would physically be homeless if not for the kindness of my family , we are staying at my Dads house while we figure out of next move.

Life is crazy and hectic sometimes and recently I have realized how important being home is.

Having that safe zone. Knowing people care if I am ok.

I wish that for everyone, although running into a very old friend whom was holding a sign looking for help getting food. He is not only emotionally homeless but physically homeless as well.

It broke my heart to see and I felt even worse that I have no way to help.

Please always send kind wishes to others as many many are physically or emotionally homeless.

Hoping as https://whitebearsworld.com, unfolds it will offer some comfort for others fighting rare and chronic disease to feel like they have someone, even a stranger who cares to know they are ok

Adding a few more worries!

This week is moving week. I have been packing for days and although I am almost done, there is still plenty of work to do.

I have not been looking forward to this move as I am putting my stuff in storage and staying with my Dad. After 25 years of living on my own, I am kind of sad that I have to pack it in a move home. I have been stressed about it, but have recently decided to look at it another way.

I have decided to see the good in it. I will be able to start saving some money, I will be able to not have to worry about lack of money and I will get to spend a ton of time with my Dad. I will get to live in a very nice area of town and I will be safe and loved. (of course so will my kids)

I always felt like I did not want to burden him. I know it will be an adjustment but in the long run it is short term and I jumping from one bad rental to another bad rental is just becoming silly at this point. I do have some concerns that my dog will be a nuisance to his dog as mine is much younger and a lot more energetic. Maybe it will all surprise me and they will become buddies, I hope at least.

I have not been able to work much the past few years, due to my daughter’s chronic illness and needs and my own medical needs. My knees are shot and my anxiety and depression were taking over full force. I have since started on a new medication and it is helping me to be more focused on what is important in my life. My family. My Health, their health and so on.

My daughter’s health has been a challenge to balance since the day she was born just about 13 years ago. She has Vater Syndrome(VACTERL Syndrome) Chronic Kidney disease and a whole bunch of other health concerns.

She is currently about 1-1/2 years post Kidney Transplant. She has had a lot of challenges in the past year or so but so far her Kidney seems pretty happy. She has some  virus issues that come and go and a constant battle with urine infections due to her lack of a bladder. At the end of next month we see Urology and they will make plans for surgical intervention to try to help with these constant infections. The procedure is called a Mitrofanoff and it is a long and complicated surgery at the time they will create a bladder for her and make a passageway using her appendix to allow for proper urination. It is big, she hates thinking or talking about it but it is truly starting to become an issue that is is not done already.

Yesterday was her monthly lab day. Although she was just discharged from the hospital last week and is just now finishing her round of antibiotics it seems something else is brewing. Her labs are off, her numbers are heading in the wrong direction and she is looking at another possible admission on Friday when she goes back to have a minor procedure(stent change) and repeat labs.

We are moving on Saturday so this could not come at a more complicated time, but hey that is what we do, complicated. I feel so sad thinking that the kidney could truly be acting up, but the doc said no panicking, it is not time to panic. It is time to watch for things and time to take care of the urological issues.

I would hate to think she could go through all this and potentially lose the kidney anyway. My poor little girl should simply be getting ready to celebrate her big 13th birthday. She should be ready to finish up school for year and enjoy staying at Grandpa’s where she can actually use the community pool as it is very clean and very well supervised.

Well I guess my worry hat is on this morning, but since she is in school , luckily she is not paying any attention to me. Hopefully today will be busy and distracting so we won’t be thinking about it much and hopefully I will close my eyes and my kitchen will pack itself. Yeah, I doubt that will happen but wishful thinking. As a Charmed fan, I wish I had that powers to move crap by just saying the name of the items like Paige does.. Yes I watch way too much TV!!

Crockpot Steak

I have made a ton of things in my Crockpot over the years. I have never really tried making steak in it though. As I have stated in an earlier post I am in the middle of moving and I am trying to use up all my groceries prior to my move to make life a little easier. Also with moving cooking in my crockpot allows me to take care of other things while still making a decent dinner.

The ingredients I used were simple, easy and tasty!

Sirloin Steak

Black Pepper

Paprika

Adobo

Garlic Powder

1 can of Rotel Tomatoes with Chile Peppers(medium heat)

I turned the crockpot on at noon, I went to work came home at 6 and was the tenderest steak I ever made.

My kids are not big fans of Rice A Roni, but I like it and well I need to finish up the groceries so I make the Beef Flavor to go with the Steak, It was truly delicious and I would surely make again.

I am sure that you could use whatever cut of steak you like but I used what I had, I had originally bought it to make fajitas. But I guess I never got around to that.

Sometimes I forget that I actually enjoy cooking, Now I need to start taking good pictures of these recipes.

When my husband was alive , he used to call  me Master Mix as no matter how little food we had I always found a way to throw it together and come up with a meal. That was a very long time ago and have gotten into the routine of  the What do you want for dinner game? which I actually don’t like at all. I ask my Daughter, I ask my son they will usually disagree on whatever the other on says and I will get mad and make a pot of pasta, he loves meat sauce, she hates the consistency and only wants pasta with meatballs. Kids they are always going to keep it interesting.

Happy Crockpotting!

Spicy Crockpot Chicken

I wish I would have taken a picture of this as it came out unexpectedly delicious. I am in the process of moving so I don’t want to do any grocery shopping as that would just make more work. That being said, time to use what I actually had in the house.

Here are the ingredients I used:

Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts

Sliced Green, Red and Orange Bell Peppers

Chopped Onion

Chile Powder

3 Peppercino’s

1/2 cup of the Juice from the Peppercino’s

Garlic Powder

Black Pepper

I had no idea how long I was going to be out for but I put it on High for about 5 hours, When I came back home my house smelled so good.

I make a pot of Yellow Rice to go along with it and it was really good.

I have never cooked with Hot Peppers, I usually just eat them in Salads, when I realized there was not much to work with I figured how bad can it be. My son who prefers Red Meat over Chicken even said Mom talk was great make it again soon.

He is a chronic complainer when it comes to food and I was quite surprised by his reaction so I thought I would share as Crockpot Cooking is my favorite way to go. It is so easy to just throw everything in and keep going.

Since it came out so good the next night I worked with Steak so I will share that next!

Happy Crockpotting 🙂

A wish for today…

 

My wish for today is that everyone take one second to be thankful to that Mom, Dad, Grandparent, Aunt , Uncle, Teacher, or whomever taught them to cope with things. To learn to accept life on life’s terms to be good to one another. In the end of life the only that will be said at a funeral (what your legacy is) is the kind of person you are. No one is saying wow they had an awesome stove and what a lovely yard they had. Do you know how many great jobs they had. What will be said was how you treated others , how you impacted others and the type of way of living you lived. So make your legacy one to proud of.

In my 25 years as an adult, I have learned so much. I used to think working all day and being able to buy things was the most important. Then I started having kids and I learned loving and caring for them and teaching them is most important. Then my youngest was born with VATER(VACTERL) Syndrome and I learned even more about life. I learned how to be a caregiver, and advocate for her health and so so much more. I have an honorary nursing degree as I fondly call it. I could go on and on about our experiences and sometimes I do but today I am just thankful to have learned the importance of simply being there. The importance of listening and the importance of hearing what you are listening to. The other day my daughter was having a rough time, she is noticing that all of her peers are so much taller than her. She is realizing that the medicines she must take make her face puffy and there is not much she could do about that and it is giving her some self doubt. I believe that is pretty typical type emotions for one turning the big 13 in 2 weeks.

She was telling me her concerns and I tried to respond with a joke. I thought perhaps it would lighten her mood and distract what was bothering her. Joking and laughing is one of my coping mechanisms. I would rather laugh than cry although sometimes inside I am crying while others see me laughing. It works not always but a good part of the time anyway. This time it did not work, she said Mom you are a clown always laughing but I don’t find this funny, I am feeling like and she explained herself. I immediately told her she can tell me anything and I will hear her out and try to find a way to make her feel better and if I can’t than well I can’t but at least she can get it off her chest. I let her rant for a good ten minutes and then I told her that somethings in life we have control over and others we do not. The things we can control we should and sadly sometimes we must accept the things we can’t and if there is a way to make those things a little better, we should at least try. This seemed to help on this particular conversation. I was proud of myself for knowing I had to turn off my coping mechanism and hear out hers. Had someone along the line not teach this to me maybe our lives would be even more of a mess than they already are. That night she hugged me tight before bed and said she is kind of glad she is small so she can still snuggle with me.

If that is my only legacy in life was that I loved and was loved, truly that will be sufficient!

 

Hard to believe this is even me…

I have not written in a while. I have kind of been in a funk. I have a lot of emotions running through me and I am not sure where they will go and what I will be able to do to control the events that will follow.

I have always prided myself on taking care of myself. I have believed that somehow someway things will work out. I have believed that at the last moment something will come through and I will figure it out.

I am wrong. I am 3 -1/2 weeks away from actually being homeless. I have never thought that life would bring me here , but well here I am.

I have worked since I was 13 years old. I was never one to sit on my butt and do nothing, I was always the one who went out and found a way. Now it has been several years since I have had a real job, one I could count on , one that could count on me.

My daughter’s health has a lot to do with it. She is complicated at best, and she requires a ton of medical intervention. Appointments, surgeries, medications, treatments and so on. In addition to that she needs to be a normal kid, school, fun, life activities. I also have my teenage son home still in homeschooling, and my oldest who is on her own now.

I have tons of medical issues myself, I have tummy troubles. both knees need replacing, high blood pressure, weight issues and I have been fighting with depression and anxiety my entire adult life. With all these issues and my daughter’s issues finding work has been near impossible. I have tried at home jobs on the phone but they require mandatory times or good internet or other issues that I am not able to accomplish, not at lack of trying though. I have tried cashier jobs as they are more flexible timing, but standing for long periods of time cause my knee pain to be intolerable.

I have managed to maintain my residence, by living off my daughter’s SSI which is under 700 a month and my ex-husband was paying child support, which he did not do for the first 15 years after divorce, recently he found himself in jail and the checks stopped coming about 2 months ago. This has forced me to not be able to pay the bills at all , therefore rendering us homeless. My Dad has agreed to let us stay with him while we figure it all out, so at least we will be safe and loved, but it does not change the fact that it screws with my emotions. I have reached out to every organization only to be turned away each and every time.

I find it crazy that in a situation such as mine there is no help available. Housing has had a closed list for 8 years with no chance of getting in for at least 5 more years, I did not ask for my daughter to have all these health issues, nor did I ask her Dad to die from brain cancer, The only thing I could have done better was save years ago when I was working. I did not know where life would take me and I was under the impression that I would find a way.

I find myself fighting my depression with the help of medication but all I really want to do is climb in my bed and stay there for ever. I don’t, I get up I take care of my kids, I take care of meds and appointments. When my daughter is hospitalized I stay with her and go back and forth and check on my son. I make jokes and entertain her and all the kids like I am alive, like I am happy like I am not the mess I feel inside.

I don’t know what the near future will hold for us, but I do know that somehow someway I will find a way to not let it get the best of me.

General Hospital

I have been watching General Hospital since I was a small child. Perhaps my entire life through, my mother and sisters. Over the years us girls watched Days of our Lives and General Hospital. I am the only one who still watches. I tried forcing it on my kids over the kids. My oldest watched until a few years ago. My son stopped the second he realized what I was forcing him to watch. My youngest watches with me faithfully. I know I can only count on that for so long so I will continue to cherish it.

For the past few years the story lines have been very predictable, repetitive and at times downright annoying. Somehow, my morbid curiosity forces me to watch each day and at times look forward to it.

The past few weeks, the show is on fire! It is finally interesting, finally semi-unpredictable and truly entertaining. I am glad I spent 40 years paying attention as now they have brought back old storylines and infused into current storylines and they actually halfway make sense, and they have been able to pull old footage and ad into make the stories more believable.

I am impressed and a little sad that it is Friday and only one more episode for the week.

The good thing is there is plenty of tv to keep me watching. Gotta love NetFlix.

And here’s to the future….

After almost 15 years I saw a Physiatrist, I used to see one a long time ago. At the time I suffered from not only depression and anxiety but self worthlessness. That was a long time ago. I have learned a lot about life and a lot about myself in these years. I no longer see myself as worthless, I actually think I am a pretty cool person. I am kind, well mannered(for the most part) and I can hold up my end of most conversations and when I can’t I stay quiet, crack a joke or admit I have no idea what you are all talking about so I am just going to sit back and listen.

I think all that that makes for a little clue as to how I might think, but it does not. It would be improbable to think that someone would be able to delve into my brain and get what is going on in there. It can be a scary place sometimes, mostly just mixed up, hyped up type thought but then there is some dark and depressing,sad and confusing stuff in there also.

Most people think I just go about my days but there are a handful of people who really know me. They know that I fight depression and anxiety and although I give it a good fight now and again it gets the best of me. In the past few years I have learned that no matter how I am feeling, put to the test, I will react and take care of whatever I need to do. If we have appointments, I get to them. If we have bills I figure out a way to pay them, if we have food I cook it, if we don’t I figure out how to get it and so on. So I do fight it, so what does that really mean, nothing on the big swing of things I still need help. I still have days where it is a complete blur and I have no clue how the things got accomplished and sometimes I wonder what exactly I said to all the people I encountered.

Well as it seems, the doctor did not admit me to an institution so that is a good sign. He also did not deny that I have had these issues a long time and even though I fight it on my own, I don’t need to , he is there and he will help to the best of his ability. I need to understand that just because you take a pill it does not lessen the fact that your kid needs to endure one more huge surgery before the summer is out and she really does not want to do it. It does not change the fact that I need to work, yet how can I work. I need to take care of business yet it is stressful not having a clue how. I need to understand just because a take a pill it is not magic it will not take away real life, however it will help, it will make me more evened out and less I can accomplish the world today and tomorrow and then I can’t get off the couch for three days. It may not make it perfect but it will help me to help myself. I believe that is a really good starting point.

I also learned that me talking to people about my issues and what is going on in my mind is a good thing and that seeing a counselor will help me work out some of the emotions I have and if anything give me a good sounding board. I need that.

I have so many stories I would like to share. So many things I would like to talk about , but then people would know, then people judge, then people would look at me and have something say about things that are past tense and even if you would have done differently, I am not supernatural and I can’t go back and change events, it is simply not an option. Although that would be kind of cool. I watch  a lot of Supernatural and Charmed and the different powers are all kind of awesome, but I know better….

So I will try out some new medication, hope it works, hope I don’t break out in hives like the others in the past, and hope to be able to see my future in the bright way I would truly like to see it…